Jim: Oh, so Dwight gave me this wooden mallard as a gift. I found a recording device in it. Yes. So. I think if I play it just right, I can get Dwight to live out the plot of National Treasure.
Pam: You need to be more upset about this. She's your mother too now. Your mother is sleeping with Michael Scott.

Pam: Maybe I'm overreacting.
Jim: Yeah. Maybe.
Pam: But I don't think I am.
Jim: You're not. No.

Toby: Hey Jim!
Jim: Not now Toby! My God!
Michael: Get the hell out of here, idiot.
Toby: [walking away] What did I do?

Jim: Okay, as far as dinner tonight, cancel that. And please, for both of our sakes, never, ever, ever see her again.
Michael: I think you're underestimating Pam. I think more than anything she wants me to be happy.
Jim: No. Not more than anything.
Michael: Ok. I have a good thing with the mom.
Jim: Don't call her the mom.
Michael: She's right on my way home from work.
Jim: THEN TAKE A DIFFERENT WAY HOME MAN!
Michael: Alright! I'll take service streets.

Jim: Is there something about being a manager that makes you say stupid things?
Micbael: I have no found that to be the case.

This is a fire cracker-free wedding.

Well, congrats!

" It's just a really important day for me. Jim

I've been studying Michael for years and I've condensed what I've learned into this chart. [holds up pie chart] "How Michael Spends His Time." You can see we have "procrastinating," and "distracting others," and this tiny sliver here, is "critical thinking." I made it bigger. So that you could see it.

Kevin: What does a bean mean?
Pam: Why aren't there any beans on this very old, frizzy-haired picture of me?
Kevin: Michael, what does a bean mean.
Pam: Jim?
Jim: I was just trying to be unbiased.
Kevin: WHAT DOES A BEAN MEAN.
Oscar: Would someone please explain to Kevin?
Meredith: Why can't you? My time is just as valuable as yours.
Phyllis: Not according to the beans.

Michael: You know what would help is a pros and cons list for our options. Jim don't take this the wrong way. Are you going to take this the wrong way?
Jim: It's hard to tell so far.
Michael: You use your brain too much.
Jim: I'm sorry are you advocating that I use it less?
Michael: Sometimes the smartest people don't think at all.
Jim: You just came up with that.
Michael: As I was saying it.

Jim: Ok I thought I saw people missing.
Michael: Yeah. Just focus grouping a product expansion idea to these folks. Got one of each.
Jim: Really. Hey Stanley, what was the last thing Michael said before I came through the door.
Michael: Stanley you don't need to answer that.
Jim: Stanley?
Stanley: If you don't smell this you're fired.
Jim: Ok. Michael, I thought we agreed to not take up people's time with meetings like these.
Michael: What do you mean by "these people"?

Michael: If I can just, think this through. If I can just think it exactly right, I can make this perfect. And then I can go down every avenue and every avenue off of that avenue. And then another avenue-
Jim: Michael!
Michael: And then another...

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael