Favorite Judith Harper Quotes
Alan: He's worried that when he grows up, he won't be smart enough to have sex.
Judith: Why would he think that?
Alan: Because he hears you giving Herb instructions like he's a blind guy in a mine field
Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that
Judith: Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé.
Alan: Actually, the way I see it your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Alan, I can make your life a living hell.
Alan: How would I know the difference
Judith [on Jake's lack of hobbies]: I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men
Judith: Just because he's fifteen doesn't mean he's ready to drive
Jake: I've been driving for years. Grand Theft Auto 1, Grand Theft Auto 2. And I've never drove anyone over except for pimps and crack whores.
Alan: Jake!
Jake: Sorry, dad. Crack prostitutes.
Judith: How did I blow another marriage?
Alan: Oh, Sweetie, you can't blame yourself, although you are the common denominator.
Judith: You don't sleep with your son's friend's mother.
Alan: No, no. you marry his pediatrician.
Herb: He's got you there, sweetie.
Judith: Charlie, have you said derogatory things about me to Jake?
Charlie: No. Why? Do you want me to?
Judith: He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.
Alan: What, you mean like a... like a shrink?
Judith: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith
Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight
Judith: Don't you think you've had enough to drink at the magic show, Evelyn?
Evelyn: Excuse me, darling, but some of us deal with our boredom and depression the old-fashioned, non-prescription way
Dad's having a colonoscopy and if I'm not there I'm going to have to watch the video
