Alan: Excuse me, but you were the one who's constantly horny!
Judith: And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you?
Alan: Hey! When the bar is only open nine months a decade you drink 'til you puke! ...and then you keep drinking!

Judith: Would you wait in the car, please?
Jake: Who's in trouble, me or dad?
Judith: Nobody's in trouble.
Jake [to Alan]: It's you

Alan: Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much?
Judith: Well, let's see: I disliked you when we were married, I resented you when we divorced, but I don't think I hated you until you started having sex with that gorgeous 22 year-old dumbbell.
Alan: OK, well, thanks for clearing that up

Judith [on Jake's lack of hobbies]: I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interests with him.
Alan: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark and bitch about men

Judith [about Kandi]: Are you proud of yourself?
Alan: What do you mean?
Judith: Oh, please, she has to be half your age.
Alan: Oh, that. Yeah, I am pretty proud of that

Judith: Where's Alan?
Charlie: He's not here.
Judith: Really? I told him I was coming.
Charlie: That's probably why he's not here

Charlie: Hey, buddy!
Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie.
Charlie: Ready for a fun weekend?
Judith: He's not going to have a fun weekend, Charlie. He's going to study for a history test on Monday.
Charlie: Hmm. Well, if believing that gets you back into your car, then I'll play along

Judith: I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.
Charlie: Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight

Charlie [regarding the tongs]: Ah, you better use the wooden ones.
Judith: What's wrong with these?
Charlie: I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
Judith: This is a regular occurrence?
Charlie: You'd think I'd learn.
Judith: And you keep them in the kitchen?
Charlie: I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out

Judith: Charlie, have you said derogatory things about me to Jake?
Charlie: No. Why? Do you want me to?

Judith [referring to Charlie]: Hold on, what is he doing here?
Alan: Well, my car's in the shop, and Charlie was nice enough to give me a ride.
Charlie: No, Charlie was nice enough to call you a cab, but you wouldn't take it

Alan: He's just a normal eleven-year-old kid who happens to be grumpy.
Judith: And I'm a normal thirty-five-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by "patience" I mean "Prozac"

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.