Kandi [trying to get pregnant]: Is there anything special we have to do?
Alan: No, no, it's just like regular sex, but without all the last-minute fumbling for a condom.
Kandi: Oh, okay. But I still get all the rest of the fumbling, right?
Alan: I prefer to call that "foreplay."

Kandi: Thanks for lending me your chiropractor coat. It makes me feel like a real doctor.
Charlie: Now you know why Alan wears it

Alan: Did you get the divorce papers?
Kandi: Not really, my lawyer had to explain them to me

Alan: Um, sweetie, do you remember why we split up?
Kandi: The big reason or all the little reasons? Cause there were a lot of little reasons, Alan.
Alan: I know.
Kandi: Like the way your toe nails grow all crazy.
Alan: Right. Got it.
Kandi: And your ear hair and your nose hair. And that one long hair on your back, yuck!

Alan: Kandi, What are you doing here?
Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
Alan: Where's your new boyfriend?
Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
Alan: Why didn't he bring you along?
Kandi: He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable

Herb: I'm a doctor!
Kandi: A real one, or like Alan?
Herb: I'm a pediatrician.
Kandi: Wow, so you're into feet.
Herb: No, children.
Kandi: Isn't that illegal?

Alan: So you understand the situation?
Kandi: I think so. Now that we're not married anymore, you want to sell my condo.
Alan: No, no, it's-- it's our condo. I got it for us. Not the smartest thing I ever did, but my real estate advisor was my penis.
Kandi: Is that what they mean when they say the market's gone soft?

Kandi: Want to have sex?
Alan: What?
Kandi: I'm horny, you're stressed, seems like we both benefit

Kandi: Are you sure it doesn't have anything to do with sex?
Lawyer: Positive.
Kandi: Huh, sure sounds like it: subpoenas

Charlie: Hey, Alan.
Alan: I'm in the shower.
Charlie: Guess what I'm gonna do with Mia?
Alan: Guess what I'm already doing with Kandi!
Kandi: That's not fair, Alan, you have to give him a hint.
Alan: He doesn't need a hint.
Kandi: Well then how is he supposed to guess? Oh, well. Oh, look, a place to hang my washcloth!

Kandi: Why would I fantasize about having sex while I'm having sex? Do you think about ham and cheese when you're eating a sandwich?
Alan: Can't argue with that

Charlie: So, Kandi, what's your favorite musical?
Kandi: The trombone

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: Oh, try MalibuPuddingGirls.com.
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.

My past is divided between things I can't remember and things I don't want to and you're both.