Kevin: Everyone is gonna be there. Angela, Phyllis... even Creed is a maybe.
Andy: Creed is going?!?

Oscar: What kind of statement are you making with that costume, Kevin?
Kevin: The statement that I'm making, Oscar, is I kind of look like Michael Moore.

Kevin: He's like a better looking Andy.
Andy: Thanks Kevin.

Andy: Can anyone else name a consequence of sex?
Kevin: It feels unbelievable.

C is for Suspension!

Gabe: This is violent and offensive.
Kevin: Thank you. It really makes me self-conscious about my voice.
Gabe: It's awful [offers a tissue]
Kevin: I'm not crying.
Gabe: There's food on your face.

Dwight: That is an amusing link. I'd like it sent to me please.
Kevin: Angela, this is inappropriate.
Angela: This is my favorite day!

They're making fun of Cookie Monster, I get that; but in a weird way, it's like they're making fun of me.

Jim: Do you wanna just make a run for it?
Pam: Maybe.
Kevin: [walks by, starts screaming into Pam's chest] Wahhhhhhhh! Wahhhhh! Mammyyyyy!
Jim: What is happening?

Pam: Kevin!
Kevin: [hugs her] Ahhhhhhh!
Pam: Yay! How are you!
Kevin: Oh I missed you so much!
Pam Beesly: Aww!
Kevin: Yeahhhhhh! Wahhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhhhh! Wahhhhhhhhh!
[cut to interview]
Kevin: Well when a new mom hears a baby cry, her you-know-whats fill up with you-know-what? And then her shirt gets... you know ... That would be funny!

Michael: Wait, what day is today?
Kevin: Um, tonight is Ghost Whisperer. So Friday.

Kevin: (about the leads) They're in the trash! They're in the trash!
Dwight: Trash. Code... Alright, Meredith! Take off your dress.
Meredith: Okie-dokie.
Kevin: No, dear God no! It's in the trash can, in the kitchen.
Meredith: Coming off either way!

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael