Kevin: When I was a kid I was on "Dallas."
Andy: Really?
Kevin: Yeah. We missed our connecting flight so we spent the entire day on Dallas. Then we spent a week on Hawaii. I was on heaven.

Packer: Yeah you know how to read a menu!
Kevin: He's right. I could lose some weight.

Packer: It's great to be among friends... until then, you suckers will do.
Kevin: Nice. We got burned.

I have very little patience for stupidity.

Ryan: You should enter it in festivals.
Kevin: Or carnivals.

Oscar: Go on. Kiss each other already.
Kevin: Suck it Oscar. This must kill you.

Michael: Holly and I are moving in together. Oscar this must be tough for you, watching this go down. You could not stand in the way of true love my friend.
Oscar: Are you kidding? I wasn't trying to break you guys up.
Kevin: Better luck next time pal!

Dwight: Do more stupid faces!
Kevin: Which one? I have a lot of stupid faces.

Can I finish? Is that okay? I was saying... I enjoy watching them because it makes me horny.

Andy, I'm not Jim. The only way that I'm Jim is in the movie version when Jim sees what his future would be like if he never met Pam.

Holly: You guys, it wasn't my fault!
Kevin: Oh nothing is ever your fault! Just like when you ate those maple candies that you brought for us!

Andy: I bet he's wishing he had a hybrid, right? 60 miles to the gallon in the city.
Kevin: No, I bet he's wishing he was strangling somebody.

The Office Quotes

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany's at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier. It's priceless. As I'm taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It's her father's business. She's Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico but I go to Canada. I don't trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard. I have a son and he's the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting: I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadero. She's been waiting for me all these years; she's never taken another lover. I don't care, I don't show up. I go to Berlin. That's where I stashed the chandelier.

Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don't know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I'll hit somebody with my car. So sue me... No, don't sue me. That is the opposite of the point that I'm trying to make.

Michael