Lem Hewitt Quotes
Phil: And so we're looking for a way to make Ted feel good about us again.
Lem: Any ideas?
Linda: I don't know. Buy him a candle.
Lem: That's not gonna fly. Ted hates things that light on fire.
Phil: Hey, Ted likes Linda.
Lem: You wanna give him Linda?
Phil: Well, I mean, I wasn't thinking that, but...
Linda: I will be given to no man! I saw that in a movie once. (the guys stare) Nothing.
Lem: We've disappointed him.
Phil: No one would want to be us right now, and since we are us right now, it's very difficult.
Lem: Veronica.
Veronica: Ugh! There are employees everywhere. It's like I'm walking through spiderwebs.
Linda: You guys are thinking about antlers and tails, aren't you?
Phil: Why do animals get all the best stuff attached to their bodies?
Lem: I would love to have a blowhole.
Phil: She seemed nice.
Lem: That was Nadine.
Phil: Oh, good. So you know each other.
Lem: Yeah, she's one of the company's lawyers. Sorry for not introducing you.
Phil: Your tongue was kind of busy. All up inside her month.
Lem: She's amazing. It's just that we both work such long hours, it's hard to find time to go out. So we usually meet in her office, where she has a door that closes and a closet where we can hang our clothes so we're crisp and fresh after we've soiled each other.
Phil: The only time I've ever been naked in this building is that time I was deloused. Remember, when those super lice got out and tried to colonize me?
Lem: Mmm. This is more fun then that.
Lem: Wow, look how fierce and protective [Veronica] is.
Phil: This must be how a baby lion feels when its mom yells at a receptionist to get its medical records.
Lem: I'm so weak. How can I ever look my sperm in the eye?
Ted: Oh, at least you didn't lie to your sperm about being an Indian.
Lem: No, I did not. But once when I was a teenager, I did abandon it at a bus stop.
Veronica: Oh, as long as I'm here, what's going on with the edible moss project?
Lem: Well, we hit a little setback, and now I'm peeing.
Veronica: Please. I'm not interested in all the little details of your life.
Phil: This is why we draw pictures of him as a superhero.
Lem: He must never know about Aqua-Ted.
Veronica: While right now I'm neither interested in raising a child, nor in playing landlord for nine months to a parasitic organism, I just want to keep my options open.
Lem: You want to have my baby?
Veronica: Well, using your DNA would only be my Plan E. Behind fall in love and breed, clone, take one of my sister's kids, or rip out the whole works and sail around the world.
Lem: Well, you would look good on the deck of the right ship. Tanned, wind in your hair, no ovaries.
Lem: You wanted to see me?
Veronica: Yes. Lem, I want to talk to you about your sperm.
Lem: I'm sorry. It got out of its containment vessel and it's extremely aggressive. Wait, did you say my sperm?
Phil: Why doesn't the company want me to reproduce?
Lem: Sorry, Phil, I can't think about your reproductive system right now. I have to go see Veronica and my own reproductive system has retreated like a turtle's head up into my abdomen.
