Lucille: (regarding Oscar) You're building a house. I want you to give it to him.
Michael: It's not a real house.
Lucille: Perfect, he's not a real man.
Buster: They're taking me in the army. They didn't think there was enough wrong with me.
Lucille: Well, did they check everything?
Buster: Yes! They even touched my Charlie Browns.
This is what I'm talking about, Michael. Now that your father has deserted us, Buster has become impossible to control. Suddenly, he's too much of a big-shot to brush mother's hair.
Lucille: Yes, I have a rape horn, Michael. Because you took away my mace.
Buster: Like anyone would want to "R" her.
Michael: How is he, doctor?
Doctor: It, uh, it looks like he's dead.
Lucille: Oh, my God!
Gob: Oh, little guy ... the tears aren't coming. The tears just aren't coming.
Lucille: It's a hug, Michael; I'm hugging you.
Michael: Well, why?
Lucille: Because you need your mother right now.
Michael: But I don't get along with my ... Sorry, that was - that was a knee jerk.
Lucille: Buster's jaw clicks when he eats. I think it's what's driving his friends away. I sent him to Canada for an operation, so I'll need some of that new money that just came in.
Michael: You know, Mom, if you want an operation that's really going to help him, you ought to have them finally cut that cord.
Why have we been spending so much money on whistles?
Buster: Where'd Annyong get that juice box?
Lucille: Those are for his soccer team. No sugar for you. You just get more awful.
Lindsay: Where's Nana?
Lucille: I sent her on a wonderful cruise. You just missed a wonderful call from her. She just came back from a wonderful costume party that the captain threw. She gained ten pounds, there's so much food on that boat. She's up to 74.
Lucille: Your father with his disgusting tweaking. I couldn't breast feed any of you kids because of that man.
(Everyone groans except for Barry)
Barry: They still look fabulous.
George Sr.: Hi ... This is not what it looks like ...
Lucille: It looks like you're tweaking her nipples through a chain-link fence.
George Sr.: Yep ... Yeah, that's it.