Luke Danes Quotes
(At the town's meeting concerning the "Jess situation")
Luke: I've never bothered anyone. I've kept to myself and I've done the best I could. I pay my taxes, and I help people when I can. I haven't pitched in on the decorative pageantry town stuff because it all seems insane to me, but I don't get in the way of that stuff either.
Taylor: What's your point, Luke?
Lorelai: His point is(to Luke) Do you mind?
Luke: Be my guest.
Lorelai: His point is, that if there's a problem
Luke: And I'm not saying there's a problem.
Lorelai: Right, he's not saying there is a problem, but if there it, give him time to deal with it before you storm his diner with torches and pitchforks.
Luke: Right. What I'm dealing with, being a problem, that I don't necessarily agree that I even have.
Lorelai: Right.
Taylor: I didn't get that last part.
Lorelai: Lay off him because what you're all doing stinks.
Lorelai: I just flat out panicked about the enormity of what we were getting into and it clobbered me, and I clobbered Sookie, and I was such a jerk. Hey, if I cry, will it freak you out?
Luke: Totally.
Lorelai: What if I whimper?
Luke: How about you suck it up?
Lorelai: Hmm, I'll try.
Luke: I don't get it. You're as ready as you've ever been.
Lorelai: Oh Luke, do not underestimate the complete and total lack of confidence I have in my abilities.
Luke: What? You're the most confident person I know. Obnoxiously so.
Lorelai: Thank you.
Luke: I mean in a good way. You're good at what you do and you know it.
Lorelai: Oh, no, no, no. I'm good at doing what I have to do. When I had to get a job, I got it. When I had to find a house for us and a life for us, I got it. When I had to get Rory into Chilton, I did it. But I don't have to leave the Independence Inn. I don't have to go into business for myself, I don't have to walk out on that limb and risk everything I've worked for.
Luke: Then do it.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: Just stay where you are.
Lorelai: What is this, reverse psychology?
Luke: No, just stay at the inn. You're happy there.
Lorelai: Oh, so you think I can't hack it.
Luke: Of course you can hack it.
Lorelai: Great, lip service, that's what I need.
Luke: Hey, if I start to cry, will that freak you out?
Lorelai: Ugh. I couldn't stay where I am if I wanted. Mia is selling the inn. And that hit me hard too, maybe harder than the other thing. I'm gonna be without a home.
Luke: What do you mean? This is your home.
Lorelai: No, I mean a home home. A memory home. The inn is where Rory took her first step. It's where I took my first step. It's more of a home to me more than my parents' house ever was.
Luke: You're just scared. Just like everybody else when they're taking on something big.
Lorelai: Well, then what does everybody else do to get through this feeling?
Luke: They run in the back, throw up, pass out and then smack their head on the floor.
Lorelai: What?
Luke: That's what I did on the first morning I opened the diner. Look, there is no button to push to get you through this. You just gotta jump in and be scared and stick with it until it gets fun.
Lorelai: How long 'til the diner got fun?
Luke: About a year.
Lorelai: Wow. And there's no button?
Luke: Nope.
Lorelai: How about a lever, can I pull a lever?
Luke: Nope.
Lorelai: Turn a knob?
Luke: Nope.
Lorelai: You just jump?
Luke: You just jump.
Lorelai: I wanna do it.
Luke: You should do it.
Taylor: Another person witnessed Jess walking out of an arts-and-crafts store two days ago with what appeared to be chalk.
Luke: You appear to be bugging me, Taylor.
Taylor: So what are you going to do about it, Luke?
Luke: About what?
Taylor: About the results of my investigaion!
Luke: Absolutely nothing, but thanks for the info.
Taylor: You have to do something! People want action.
Luke: People? Meaning you.
Taylor: Not just me. I speak for the Stars Hollow Business Association, the Stars Hollow Tourist Board, the Stars Hollow Neighborhood Watch Organization, and the Stars Hollow Citizens for a Clean Stars Hollow Council.
Luke: All of which are you!
Taylor: So are you going to act?
Luke: Yes, I am. I'm going to act like you never came in here.
Taylor: Fine, have it your own way. But I warn you there's gonna be a lot of unhappy people at the S.H.B.A., the S.H.T.B., the S.H.N.W.O., and the S.H.C.C.S.H.C.!
Luke: F-I-N-E!
(Luke's diner. Lorelai is sitting at the counter)
Lorelai: Hey Luke, ah, I feel a little weird even mentioning this to you.
Luke: What?
Lorelai: Well, yesterday I saw you talking to Eva, you know, she's in my Booster Club?
Luke: Yeah, I know who she is.
Lorelai: (slightly annoyed) Oh, good, well, good. So, anyhow, I saw you guys talking alone, and it seemed kind of private and she mentioned earlier that you didn't make her, you know, gag. So, I just figured you guys were making some sort of plans to hang out and, see, the thing is, I just think it would be a little weird if you started dating a Chilton mom. Look, I know I have no right to say anything to you, but it's just, ahm, if you did date her, I'm in the Booster Club with her, which means that I'll hear things and, I don't know, it's just I'd like to keep that Chilton life seperate from my Stars Hollow life. So, if there's any way that you could not date her, that would be really great.
Luke: Boy, I tell you you've got nerve!
Lorelai: Okay, well, I know this is your private business.
Luke: It is my private business.
Lorelai: You don't see any validity to my side at all?
Luke: I am a grown man. You cannot tell me who to date.
Lorelai: I'm not telling you who to date, I'm telling you who not to date.
Luke: You can't tell me that either.
Lorelai: Look-
Luke: I will date who I like and if that screws with your plans then sorry! And if you don't wanna hear things, don't listen!
Lorelai: But-
Luke: If you don't like it you can just deal with it.
Lorelai: Okay, I'll just deal with it.
Luke: Good!
Lorelai: I just thought that if something was going to affect our friendship in some way that you might care about that, because if the situation was reversed then I would care, but hey! That's me. So, go ahead! Date her. Marry her. Make her Mrs. Backwards Baseball Cap. Live happily ever after! See if I care! (upset, she turns around to leave)
Luke: And by the way, I wasn't asking her out. I was giving her directions for the quickest way back to Hartford. It was very romantic. I said you take a right at Deerfield, and you catch the I-5 and you take it south. Oh man, hot stuff.
Lorelai: (very embarrassed but stubbornly trying to hide it) That is so typical of you!
Luke: What?
Lorelai: That is not the quickest way back to Hartford. Everybody knows that you take Maine to Cherry to Lynwood and then grab the I-11. Everybody knows that Luke. Everybody, apparently, but you!
(She exits and leaves a smiling Luke behind)
(Luke walks into the inn with his toolbox)
Lorelai: Oh, thank god. You brought Bert.
Luke: Right here.
Lorelai: My men! Follow me.
Luke: By the way, you do tell people that you're the one who named my toolbox, right?
Lorelai: (chuckles) Toolbox. Dirty.
Luke: Jeez!
(Jess comes down the stairs drssed in a flannel shirt and a backwards baseball cap)
Lorelai: Uh, Luke...
Luke: What? (sees Jess) What do you think you're doing?
Jess: Working.
Luke: So, you think this is funny.
Jess: I'm sorry, I thought this was the uniform.
Luke: You know what? That's fine. Have your little joke, doesn't bother me at all. Clean that table.
Jess: Yeah?
Luke: I'm ignoring you. You do not exist.
Jess: Okay. (Jess starts to clean table)
Luke: That's it, gets upstairs and change.
Jess: Whatever you say, Uncle Luke.
Luke: It's Luke. Just Luke. Mister Luke. In fact, don't address me at all!
Luke: How can you like that shirt?
Jess: It brings out my eyes.
Luke: I am in so far over my head that I can't see my own hat.
Lorelai: Try turning it around.
Rory: Hey Luke.
Luke: Rory.
Rory: Um, I'll have two coffees and two cherry Danishes to go, please.
Luke: Two coffees and two cherry Danishes.
Rory: Oh, and some napkins.
Luke: One of these is for her isn't it?
Rory: Who? Oh, no no no. They're all for me. I am super hungry today. I was debating ordering three, but I'll tell you how I feel after two.
Luke:: Tell you what, I'll give you one Danish and one cup of coffee, you can sit over there and eat, and when you're finished them right over there where I can see you, then I'll bring you a second one.
Rory: You're really just gonna stand there and watch me eat a Danish?
Luke: Cable's out. I'm starved for entertainment.
Jess: Wanna play some poker? Five bucks a hand.
Luke: No.
Jess: Ten? I can't go any higher than ten.
Luke: Jess-
Jess: Okay, fifteen.
Luke: I don't want to play poker.
Jess: You sure?
Luke: Yeah.
Jess: Okie dokie.
Taylor: You're a very jaded man, Luke. What happened to you as a child?
Luke: Some creepy guy in shorts and knee socks tried to sit me down under a tree and glue rocks together for two hours. Put that down!
Luke: (On the phone) Hi, Liz. Yeah, he got here fine.
Jess: Got here at ten this morning.
Luke: Okay, hang on a sec. Jess?
Jess: Pass.
Luke: Jess, come on.
Jess: Nope.
Luke: What am I supposed to tell her?
Jess: Tell her I gotta take another crack at that closet. I think I hung my Tool T-shirt next to my Metallica T-shirt, and they don't really get along.
Luke: You really want me to tell her that?
Jess: You think a different band combo would sell it more?
