Favorite Ned Quotes
Chuck: I can't even hug you? What if you need a hug? A hug can turn your day around.
Ned: I'm not a fan of the hug.
Chuck: Then you haven't been hugged properly. It's like an emotional Heimlich. Someone puts their arms around you and they give you a squeeze and all your fear and anxiety come shooting out of your mouth in a big wet wad and you can breath again.
Ned: That's fine for someone else to do if I'm choking on something other than emotion, but you can't touch me.
Chuck: So a kiss is out of the question?
Ned: I've lost my train of thoughts.
I hate to be a bad host, but I'm sort of exhausted from chasing your coffin.
Did I say "can" because I swallow my consonants sometimes? Can't... N'T... come in.
Chuck: Oh! Then I’ll be polite and say, "Oh, I’m sorry I forgot my purse and I’ve got no pockets".
Emerson: Uh huh… well, hey somebody see, now I’m gonna need to see some ID on the count that you look just like that dead girl that got herself killed on that tropical cruise.
Ned: Okay, if that happens I'll say something like "What is this? A police state?" (pause) If I ever say that it means I'm having a panic attack.
Chuck: We'll cushion the blow.
Ned: Not a big fan of the blow.
Chuck: You do realize that bee keeping within city limits is completely illegal?
Ned: Yes. And I'm almost sure I don't care.
You don't have to do this, Madeleine. Please put the gun and the bat down. Or definitely the gun.
Candy might be sweet, but it's a traveling carnival blowing through town. Pie is home. People always come home.
Emerson: I'm a father.
Ned: As in a priest?
Emerson: As in a man... with a daughter.
Coroner: My niece gave me this sweater.
Emerson: That thing’s uglier then a chipmunk’s ass.
Ned: He means the sweater, not your niece.
Chuck: You said you wanted to know who killed me so that justice could be served. See, I don't think that "Justice" was on the menu. Maybe as a side dish, but not as an entrée.
Ned: It was most definitely an entrée. It was a Special of the Day. Could we drop the metaphor?
Ned: The only reason I didn't tell you is because it didn't mean anything. Lots of stuff happens in the course of a day that I don't bother sharing. For instance, yesterday's four-berry pie was actually three and a half because I ran out of cranberries. I didn't tell you that.
Chuck: Actually you did. You asked if orange counted as a berry and I said it didn't, but no one had to know but us.
Ned: I like that you said "us."
