Pete: Plan? I will tell you the plan after I ask Myka something. [Pete turns towards Myka] What's the plan?
Myka: Artie, what's the plan?

How come every other artifact makes me have to call my sponsor?

Pete: Oh my God, you're gay? Finally! Thank God, someone who will appreciate all this. It's a waste of time working out for these people. Here, I'll take my shirt off for ya.
Steve: No, no thanks.

Aw look, we're spooning.

Hey, don't blame me. I'm good, but I've never changed a woman's hair color.

[To Myka] Man, you're hot.

Ugh, if I give that Bellman any more money he's gonna have to claim me on my tax return.

Come on Myka, look if I had quit and left you there and you were looking at an artifact for football or porn I would help you.

I put on Abe Lincoln's hat once and had an uncontrollable urge to free Mrs. Frederick.

Pete: Artie, this guy has no sense of humor. He doesn't laugh at the jokes.
Artie: Your jokes Pete?
Pete: Yes.
Artie: Give that a little more thought.

You know, it feels a little like my old dog just got sent to the farm and you guys are already shoving a new puppy down my throat.

Claudia: Hey Pete, that girl is really grateful to you.
Pete: Uh Huh
Claudia: And cold really, really cold. We could see how cold she was.
Pete: I gave her my jacket.