Rose: Gordon is my soul mate. He completes me. We're inseparable. [To Gordon]: Wait here, I want to talk to Charlie alone

Jake: Who's that?
Rose: Gordon, my boyfriend.
Jake: How come he's not allowed in?
Rose: I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation.
Charlie: Too late.
Jake: You bringing him to my birthday party?
Rose: I don't know. Charlie, is the wound too fresh?
Charlie: I think I can handle it

Rose: Isn't your mental and emotional well-being more important than a couple of fleeting orgasms?
Charlie: It's not even more important than one

Charlie: Of all the women I know, you're the only one I truly trust, Rose.
Rose: Personally, I find that very flattering, but professionally, I find it very disturbing

Alan: Have you been spying on me?
Rose: No, silly! I spy on Charlie; you just get in the way sometimes

Alan: Ferrets?
Rose: Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.
Alan: No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?
Rose: Yup, and they're all named Charlie

Rose [about Sherri]: Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.
Charlie: You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?
Rose: That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...
Charlie: Oh, my God!
Rose: What?
Charlie: I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is so good

Yeah, I do mate for life. I'm like a penguin that way, plus I like to slide across the ice on my belly

You're the first man who slept with me because he was drunk, not because of my money!

Charlie: Rose, this really isn't the best time. Alan is pretty sick.
Rose: Oh, no. Poor Alan, is Charlie taking good care of you?
Alan: Not really.
Rose: Would you like me to take care of you?
Alan: Not really

Rose: Do you feel the healing energy?
Alan: If I say yes, will you get off me?

Alan: Rose, what are you doing here?
Rose: Babysitting.
Alan: Where's my mother?
Jake: She left.
Alan: Why?
Jake: I don't know. We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants, and she stood up and said life was too short

Two and a Half Men Quotes

Charlie: For every gorgeous woman out there's a guy tired of banging her.
Alan: But that guy is never me.

Charlie: Oh, try
Alan: Pudding Girls?
Charlie: Trust me.
Alan: Oh ... ew.