Cecil: I'm afraid I'm going to ask for proof that you actually have Charlotte.
Archer: What kind of -- wait. Oh no.
Cecil: Yes, I'm afraid I require...a finger.
Archer: Uh, I could bring you her! Just drive by the house, she could wave to you.
Cecil: Ummmm, nope.
Archer: I...that's...then how 'bout a photo of her holding today's newspaper?
Cecil: Ummmm, well now that could work!
Archer: Yeah!
Cecil: Just make sure that she's holding the newspaper with nine fingers.
Archer: Ugh, goddammit.

Cecil Vandertunt: At 7am, you care for bourbon?
Archer: Deeply.

Poovey: You better pray to God it wasn't you who hit me. Because whoever it was...
Archer: [points to the gigantic Verl]
Poovey:...hits like a little bitch of a girl, who was born with some kind of bitch of a birth defect, so that instead of a fist, she just has this tiny bitch of a nubbin.

Mother: They say the devil's in the details.
Archer: And silk pajamas.

Coroner: Your jerk-off partner is already back there.
Poovey: Uh, what?
Archer: Ugh. Glasses, dark hair, gray at the temples, mouth that looks like somebody used a tomato capper to scoop out a pig's asshole and glued it onto his nose?
Poovey: Aww shit.

Archer: I really wish we hadn't have done that.
Poovey: I can never unsee him naked.
Archer: I mean, the size of that thing.
Poovey: Haul that big bastard out and you can use it as an umbrella stand.

I bet that creepy old joint's as haunted as Mrs. Muir's thwat.

Mother: Well, I hate to say I told you so.
Archer: Do you?
Mother: No. It's one of the few great pleasures in life.

Malory: You don't want to drive all the way out there, only to hear him say, "On second thought, to make this happen, we're going to need a finger."
Archer: Nobody has ever said, "To make this happen, you're going to need a finger."
Malory: Oh, you'd be surprised!
Archer: [shudders] Ugh.

Floyd: Are you crazy?
Verl: Are you trying to get yourself killed?
Archer [mockingly]: Oh my God, is diabetes contagious?!?

Hey, can I order some pie? Or have you single-handedly depleted the Global Strategic Pie Reserves?

Archer: Will you quit jamming my ass with that thing?
Ray: He said, coyly.

Archer Quotes

Cyril: Why are you so scared of crocodiles?
Archer: Gee, I don't know, Cyril. Maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.

Cheryl: What the stupid shit are you doing??
Cyril: You said you wanted watermelon.
Cheryl: Watermelon's red?
Cyril: Yes. How do you not know that?
Cheryl: Who am I? Charles Frederick Andress?