Favorite Ted Crisp Quotes
Ted: So to save money, the company is getting involved in people's sex lives? They may regret that, like when they tried to replace food in the cafeteria with food pellets.
Veronica: Unlike eating those pellets, this is not a mandate. Anything that starts with the word "whee" is just a fun suggestion. Like the Constitution and "Whee the People."
Danielle: Hi, I'm Danielle. The company feels very strongly that we should "whee..." have unprotected sex with each other.
Ted: Oh, you're that Danielle. You're, you're on my compatibility list. Yes, apparently we would make very cheap, durable children.
Ted: The thing is, I want to keep seeing Danielle. I really like her.
Veronica: What's not to like? She gullible and slept with you on the first date. If her mom's not fat, I say throw a ring on it.
Ted: Listen, Veronica, about firing Phil, I don't think we should rush into anything.
Veronica: You're right. Wait until the end of business Friday. It'll be easier for Payroll
And, Phil, they canceled your gym membership because no matter what class you were in, you did jazzercise.
Ted: We have a scientist problem.
Veronica: God. I can't wait until they invent their own replacements.
Ted: What's going on with you and this baby thing, anyway?
Veronica: My stupid sister popped out another one. And I held it, and it smelled really good. It was soft and squishy, and for the briefest second, I didn't want to give it back. Part of that was because I don't like my sister having things I don't have. But part of it was something else.
Linda: I may have a whole new career entertaining children instead of working for a place that uses them to assemble munitions.
Ted: Boy, who's gonna judge us when you're gone?
Ted: Honey, there's nobody at the company named Larry Pancake or anybody else named after food.
Rose: What about Taco Tony in the cafeteria?
Ted: Well, that was just a nickname, and we don't call him that anymore. When he moved to the salad bar, it just sounded racist.
Ted: We can have one conversation with Rose. Gently.
Veronica: Fine. Let's get her up here, crack her open like a lobster claw, and scoop out her sweet white meat of information. Gently.
Ted: I know you don't like to eat children, but it's that kind of talk and your cottage in the woods made of candy that keeps those rumors alive.
Rose: Pretty sure it was Paul Spielman.
Veronica: Oh, my God. Not Paul Spielman.
Ted: You have no idea who Paul Spielman is.
Veronica: Not even a little.
Ted: He's one of our department's best engineers.
Veronica: And they're just gonna throw him out on the street with no consideration for how weak that's going to make me look.
Ted: Paul might not like it either, you know, 'cause he's got four kids.
Veronica: Fine, I'm insensitive. I can live with that.
Bang zoom! I'm getting a muffin!
