What the H-E-double vibrators is that thing on your left hand?


Mazel tov, dummies. Liz you're Jewish right?


I coined the phrase "You wish, pal!"


Two thousand dollars Jack? I've stolen more than that from my cleaning lady's purse.


The money I've made off your health problems has put me almost all the way through medical school.

Dr. Spaceman

My boyfriend was supposed to pick me up after that shoot, so I called him and I was like "OJ, where are you?" And he was like, "Wait, you're alive? Then who did I kill?"


Liz: You know who else was married? Ted Bundy!
Criss: I don't think so Liz.
Liz: Really? He's so handsome.

I need a nap. Dot Com, tell us your most interesting story.


Dot Com: Have you read any of these movie scripts yet?
Tracy: Yeah, I read the one about a handsome genius who lied to two idiots about reading scripts.

Liz: His name is Black Dennis? That is racist!
Dennis: Yeah right Liz, the guy with the Black son's racist.

You remember Megan Duffy, maiden name Duffy, hopefully no relation.


I don't need scams. I got a great new business selling suicide insurance, and it's going great.


30 Rock Quotes

Jenna: Jack, can we talk, one ten to another?
Jack: I'm an eleven, but continue.

I went to college in Boston. Well, not in Boston, but nearby. No, not Tufts!