Archer: Guys, if we get out of this, the first thing I'm gonna do, I swear to God...
Ray: If you say "buy a tiger," we will beat you to death with your own shoes.

La Madrina: So, 900 kilos?
Archer: However many are in a shit-tonne.

Cyril: I'm coming as fast as I can!
Archer: Guys, we really need to talk about getting "phrasing" back in the rotation.

Cyril: Is that the army?
Archer: I don't think so. One guy's wearing a T-shirt from a Phi Mew fun run.
Ray: We call them Phi Mu.

Are we seriously done with "phrasing?" I mean, not right there necessarily, although "tongue" and "gaping hole" were kinda begging for it.

I always worried I would die without knowing how it felt to get my throat slashed and my tongue yanked out through the gaping hole.

What's that? I can't hear you over the sound of I have snake poisoning.

Ray: We blew up an oil pipeline.
Cyril: Not to mention a bunch of...people. Compared to that, this is kind of a victimless crime. If it even is a crime. I mean, is it?
Archer:...he said, sucking at being a lawyer.

It's not like we're selling cocaine to little kids!


Ray: Intel? No, do not compare what we do now to intelligence work.
Archer: Don't worry, I won't. Because selling cocaine to cocaine dealers doesn't really compare to helping overthrow democratic governments, like the US did in Guatemala, Chile, Nicaragua, oh! Iran?! Because, spoiler alert, those didn't really work out so great. But that's okay, because I'm pinning my hopes for the future on the next big shipment of stinger missiles to that rag tag bunch of Mujahidin heroes in Afghanistan!

So if you'll hide your vaginas, it's time to gather some intel.

Oh, and just so you know, that's exactly how Len Koenecke died.

Archer Season 5 Episode 7 Quotes

I mean, did you used to be a man?


Lana: I want this baby!
Malory: Well, sure, now. Wait until you're waist deep in diapers, he's up with the croup and there's no bourbon in the house. Then fast forward to him knocking up the au pair, flunking out of college, and then single-handedly bankrupting your drug cartel!