Hostage: Do you have any have any idea who our boss is?
Archer: Nope, but 100 people surveyed. Number one answer's on the board. Name the douchebag who's in charge.
Hostage: Vincent van Gogh fuck yourself.
Archer: Hmm? Vincent van Gogh fuck myself? Survey says?

Plus I can only assume a Brazilian mafia would be about a gazillion times hotter.

Archer: Cry "Havoc!" and let slip the hogs of war.
Krieger: Dogs of wars.
Archer: Whatever farm animal of war, Lana. Shut up.

Archer: I've been treating my cancer with sugar pills!?
Krieger: You didn't think it was weird your chemo drugs were chewable?
Archer: Little kids get cancer.

Archer: Hello? There's this great new thing called coasters!
Cheryl: Geesh Al, sorry.
Archer: Don't apologize to me, apologize to the Brazilian Rosewood.

Archer: Lana, I'm in love with you.
Lana: You are also shitfaced.
Archer: I can be both.

Trinet: You can't tattoo a baby!
Archer: That's what the tattoo guy said. I had to slip him an extra hundred bucks!

Archer: I wanted to spend some time with the Wee Baby Seamus.
Trinet: He's not even your real kid.
Archer: So?
Trinet: So it's weird.
Archer: So is me paying you child support, Trinet, but you keep cashing the checks.
Trinet: Hey!
Archer: I'm sorry. Come on Trinet, Seamus may not be my real son. But he's probably the closest I'm ever gonna get.
Trinet: Where are you taking him?
Archer: I dunno, what's he into?

Rita: Well if it isn't Chet Manley.
Archer: And it's I want to say.. Peggy?
Rita: Rita. And you said you'd call me.
Archer: Really? To both statements...?

Doctor: Any history of alcoholism?
Archer [drinking]: You know, I drink socially.
Malory [also drinking]: Hah! What? I didn't have breakfast...

Krieger: My entire laboratory is at your disposal.
Malory: thanks I'll let you know if I need a hybrid pig-boy.

Malory: Especially Sterling. If he found out i might have breast cancer, he'd be devastated. This information cannot leave this... Pam what the hell?
Pam: What? Nothing.
Malory: You're texting about my...
Pam: I'm not I swear, this is about...
Cheryl: Breast caner! Oh, you poor thing.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: what?
Malory: What is wrong with you?
Pam: I can't help it. It's like a disease.
Malory: Pam!
Pam: Do you not know what disease means? Oh sorry I forgot you might have...
Cyril: Breast cancer!

Archer Season 2 Quotes

Cyril: Archer, do something!
Archer: Who am I, Alan Turing? He was also in X-Men, remember?

Lana: What's your third biggest fear?
Archer: Brain aneurysm.
Lana: What's a brain aneurysm have to do with walking around in a swamp?
Archer: Nothing, it can happen anywhere at anytime, that's what makes it so terrifying.