Better Off Ted Quotes
Ted: The system doesn't see black people?
Veronica: I know. Weird, huh?
Ted: That's more than weird, Veronica. That's basically, well... racist.
Veronica: The company's position is that it's actually the opposite of racist, because it's not targeting black people. It's just ignoring them. They insist the worst people can call it is "indifferent."
Ted: Well, they know it has to be fixed, right? Please... at least say they know that.
Veronica: Of course they do, and they're working on it. In the meantime they'd like everyone to celebrate the fact that it sees Hispanics, Asians, Pacific Islanders, and Jews.
Lem: It gets dark whenever you leave the room.
Phil: Ohh... how can I get mad at you when you say things like that
Phil: Did you put hydrochloric acid in this mug?
Lem: Oh, yeah. I was trying to get the stains out.
Phil: You know, soap would work, and it wouldn't kill someone if they accidentally drank it.
Lem: But soap leaves a film
Phil: Lem, you ever get the feeling the ooplasm cultures are looking up at you, worshiping you like a vengeful god?
Lem: No. Cytoplasm culture sometimes, but never ooplasm.
Phil: Sometimes you are a complete stranger to me
Kids. God's little awkward-moment machines
Linda
Veridian Dynamics. We're a family, just like yours. But we don't waste our time throwing leaves around. We put our family to work. We mean real work. Not just eating mush. Our Veridian Dynamic family works for every member of your family. Even the dead ones. And we're working to bring them back and copy them, in case you lose them again. We love our family, which is why we work nights, weekends, and major holidays, because that's when families should be together. Families. Yay
Narrator
You have the most beautiful skin. I wish there was a way I could peel it off your face and attach it to mine. Oh, and then you'd grow new skin and like it just as much
Veronica [to Rose]
Ted: I have to watch Rose.
Veronica: I can wash Rose.
Ted: I said "watch" her, not "wash" her.
Veronica: Hmm. Even easier.
Ted: The fact that you thought I was going to go wash Rose right now makes me think you may not know that much about children.
Veronica: I know they need to be cleaned
I got to go. I gotta meet Don at the Who Cares What People Think Cafe. Where if someone sees something that they want, they just have it, and it's the best thing they've ever had. Because that meal's been practicing yoga for seven years. In case you missed it, by "that meal" I mean me. I'm bad at metaphors, but I'm great at sex
Linda [to Ted]
Ted: Hi beautiful. Beautifuls...
Rose: Hi, Daddy.
Linda: Hi, Daddy. And I'm just never calling you that again
Veronica: Well, you're always welcome here, daughter of Ted.
Ted: Rose.
Veronica: I know her name.
Ted: Rose's name.
Veronica: You know, sweetheart, sometimes your father...
Rose: Ted.
Veronica: I know everyone's name.
Ted: Did you even notice I have my daughter with me today?
Veronica: I look at people's eyes when I talk to them, Ted, not at their waists
