Red [speaking into his desk lamp]: Well, I'm not a scientist. [looks to Gareth] Am I?
Gareth [whispers]: No sir.
Red: So, I can't tell you a hundred percent whether global warming is real, but doggy woggy. There is doggy woggy. Why can't I have a doggy woggy? [gets a microphone] What I mean is, there are those who believe global warming is a conspiracy put forth by the Chinese. You tell me.

Rochelle: I don't understand why we've been running around with salt and fertilizer when you could have just waved your NSA magic wand.
Gustav: My NSA magic wand?

My butt!

  • Permalink: My butt!
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Rochelle: You're NSA?
Gustav: Of course. What'd you think?
Rochelle: That's insane.

Red: Sometimes I think you're like the son I never had.
Gareth: That's nice, senator.
Red: And sometimes I think you're not.

Laurel [on phone with Gareth]: OK. I'll tell Gustav and Rochelle. Love you. [awkward silence] Yes, I did just say that.
Gareth: Ya did.
Laurel: I'm not sure why. It's just one of those things you say when you're hanging up.
Gareth Yeah, Red and I say it to each other all the time.
Laurel: OK. I'm hanging up now.
Gareth: Hey. Love you.

We were just talking about you two. You're a sly one, not telling your parents you're dating a Democrat, especially so soon after she dated...Michael Moore [he licks his lips].


Director, I'm a duly elected member of the United States Senate, and with all due respect, Sir, no one has ever voted for you, so don't you dare tell me how to serve my constituents. I gave a speech because I think this farm bill is a boondoggle and I continue to think it is. Now I don't care what secret plans you have, they have to work around me. Do you understand?


Red: Those buildings are important for secret use.
Luke: Secret? Why secret?
Red: Why not secret?

Oh my God. No. I'm on my own.


Gareth: I needed to ask you something.
Laurel: Sure. What?
Gareth: It's gonna sound wrong, but you're leaving, so. It's OK.
Laurel: OK.
Gareth: Marry me.
Laurel: Excuse me?
Gareth: Marry me. And. I'm going now. Bye.

Laurel: I don't belong here.
Luke: Look how much you've accomplished.
Laurel: I don't even know how what I'm doing half the time.
Luke: Well, that's a lot better than most of the people around here.

BrainDead Quotes

Laurel: It says here you have Social Security problems, Claire?
Claire: I don't have Social Security problems, YOU have Social Security problems.
Laurel: Well, how can I help you with MY Social Security problems?

No running in the Capitol, mam. No fast walking, either.