Look, I’m 36 years old. I’m out of money. I’m keeping a horrible secret from my sister. I’m living alone. Actually, that’s not true. I have a cosplaying roommate who’s been here for two weeks and already has more friends than me. You know, it’s funny. When things are going well, you never think about it. It’s just normal. But when things are bad, it’s like every minute you spend thinking about how things used to be, and how you wish you’d appreciated it more. I’m sorry. That was sentimental and embarrassing.


I’m just the IT guy, right? It’s not like I have feelings or pride or anything resembling human emotion.


Casey: Todd was your direct supervisor. He removed you from your post and took advantage of you.
Laura: Oh my God, I feel like I’m in a bad Lifetime rape movie. He did not take advantage of me. I wanted something and he gave it to me.
Casey: An older guy, an adult, in a position of power. I mean, that’s predatory.

I don’t know you. We don’t know each other. Also, girl code? Really? Did you see who we elected as president? The code is cracked. Enigma has fallen.


Jennifer: I want an identity crisis.
Valerie: Have you tried killing your father and then finding out that your father’s not your real father?
Jennifer: No, no, but I did almost cut my bangs.

Valerie: Uh, have you ever actually been in a real fistfight?
Leia: Multiple. I am 25% white trash on my father’s side.

Alex: I just don't want to be an old dad. And if I keep fucking around for five more years, then what? I wake up, and I'm in my 40's, and my knees fuckin' hurt, and I wonder where my life went.
Tina: Yeah, I totally want a family too. You know, but everywhere I look I see the same messaging. Wait until you're older. Don't sacrifice your dreams to have a family. Everyone says that to me. But what if having a family is my dream?
Alex: Well then, I think that's a wonderful dream.
Tina: Any religious affiliation?
Alex: Agnostic.
Tina: Outstanding warrants?
Alex: Not that I'm aware of.
Tina: Disease-free?
Alex: With quarterly checkups.
Tina: Should we go back to my place?
Alex: I'll call the car.

Alex, this guy is like raw plutonium radiating poison into my skin and breaking me down with his toxic lack of self-awareness.


Valerie: He said he wants to hang. Hang means hook up. Not eat.
Alex: You can't do both?
Valerie: I can. I just, I'm gonna have to get half a portion of food, or like a side salad so I look good naked. And the whole time I'm gonna be thinking about hungry I am and how I can't wait for him to finish so I can hurry up and pick up a burrito.

Tracy: Do you ever think about maybe shutting down your phone and just tuning into the world around you?
Laura: Once. Yeah, but then I realized I was standing in a parking lot and it got too real too fast.

Byron: What do you really think of me?
Valerie: Uh, yeah, I think we've done enough of that.
Byron: Oh, come on, just... I'm ready for it. Just lay it on me.
Valerie: Uh, you're a little entitled, not uncommon for someone of your age. Physique... you maybe confuse having style with having a sense of self, and your hair is just, um... yeah. Well, you're very pretty, and uh, you're wonderful in bed. And my car is here.

Emmy: I used to be happy without responsibility, the freedom to choose different partners, different nights, but I don't know, after you and I ended, it just... it wasn't the same.
Alex: I've been known to have that effect.

Casual Quotes

Alex: Hey. Question for you. Do you think our obsession with borders and national identity is holding us back from creating a global egalitarian society or are we, as animals in a world of scarce resources, simply destined for a life of tribal infighting?
Hans: That is a very complicated question.
Alex: Oh. Right? It's funny the things you think about when you've got free time.

Valerie: Did I tell you that he's renting out bedrooms like a brothel?
Laura: Well does he make money from just the rooms or does he take a piece of the action? Brothel-wise?