This is a song I wrote.


Oh good, an abstract theatrical space, now I can actually think …


I love every person in this room.


Do you still make those candy cane mochas? I know the holidays are almost over but what the hell, I want to treat myself.

Dr. Akopian

Nathaniel: God, I hope I win though.
Josh: I really hope you lose.
Nathaniel: I also hope Greg dies.

Okay, let's just put it out there, I've retired from stalking but you never lose the skills.


Greg: You're the love of my life. You know that, right?
Rebecca: Well, I do now.

Josh: Sir!
Nathaniel: Hey buddy.
Josh: I'm going to need you to stand down.
Nathaniel: Literally what do you mean?

I'm asking you nicely to get out of my kitchen! This is how customers get meningitis.


Wait, I can propose?!


Dude, I have known you for most of your life, and I've never seen you as happy as when you are with Rebecca.

White Josh

I love being the chosen custodian of your dream.


Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Quotes

You know you wanna look at my Instagram – but it's private. So Google me until you find out where I went to high school and then set up a fake Instagram account using the name and the photo of someone that went to my high school, and hope that I remember that person a little bit. Then request access to my private Instagram from the fake account, and in the meantime scour my work Instagram account because that one's public. Research me, obsessively, uh-huh.


Rebecca: Where are you from again?
Josh: West Covina, California. 91791!
Rebecca: West Covina, I remember that. That's near the beach, right?
Josh: Yeah, only two hours...well, four in traffic.