Desperate Housewives Season 1 Episode 1: "Pilot" Quotes
Rex: I can't believe you tried to kill me.
Bree: Yes, well, I feel badly about that
My name is Mary Alice Young. When you read this morning's paper you may come across an article about the unusual day I had last week. Normally there is never anything newsworthy about my life, but that all changed last Thursday. Of course everything seemed quite normal at first. I made breakfast for my family, I performed my chores, I completed my projects, I ran my errands. In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day, quietly polishing the routine of my life, until it gleamed with perfection. That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet and retrieve a revolver that had never been used
Mary Alice
Gabrielle: This table is hand carved, Carlos had it imported from Italy. It cost him $22,000.
John: So, you wanna do it on the table this time?
Gabrielle: Absolutely
Gabrielle: It's like my grandmother always said: An erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Lynette: Even the limp ones aren't that ethical
Susan: How would you feel if I used your child support payments for plastic surgery?
Julie: You look fine.
Susan: If you could cut back to two meals a day, I could get a chemical peel
John: So, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't want to wake up one morning with the sudden urge to blow my brains out.
John: Hey, can I have a drag?
Gabrielle: Absolutely not. You're much too young to smoke
Danielle: Why can't we ever have normal soup?
Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree
Andrew: I'm saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can't we ever just have food?
Bree: Are you doing drugs?
Andrew: What?
Bree: Change in behavior is one of the warning signs and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you're always locked in the bathroom.
Danielle: Trust me, that is not what he is doing.
Andrew: Shut up
Carlos: It's business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.
Gabrielle: Every time I'm around that man, he tries to grab my ass.
Carlos: I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year. If he wants to grab your ass, you let him
Carlos: At the Donahue party everyone was talking mutual funds, and you found a way to mention you slept with half of the Yankee outfield.
Gabrielle: I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation
Rex: Since when do you make mistakes?
Bree: What's that supposed to mean?
Rex: It means I'm sick of you being so damn perfect all the time. I'm sick of the bizarre way your hair doesn't move. I'm sick of you making our bed in the morning before I've even used the bathroom. You're this plastic suburban housewife with her pearls and her spatula who says things like "we owe the Hendersons a dinner." Where's the woman I fell in love with? Who used to burn the toast and drink milk out of the carton? And laugh? I need her. Not this cold perfect thing you've become
Susan: I have a clog.
Mike: Excuse me?
Susan: And you're a plumber, right?
Mike: Yeah.
Susan: The clog's in the pipe.
Mike: Yeah, that's usually where they are