You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican

Edie [to Bree]

Carlos: Before the accident I told her how much I wanted a child and she said that she would take care of it. I just thought that she would talk to you. Baby, I am so sorry.
Gabrielle: That bitch! I can't believe her.
Carlos: I loved her, but even I had issues sometimes. I mean she could be very controlling.
Gabrielle: Reaching out from the grave to screw with me. God, she's good!

Carlos: Where are you going?
Gabrielle: I feel a wave of morning sickness coming on, and I want to be standing on your mother's grave when it hits

Carlos: You've been paying more attention to your food than you have to me lately.
Gabrielle: I plan on getting really fat as a tribute to your mother

When she was younger, Sophie Bremmer was a hopeless romantic. She was also hopelessly naive. Which is how she came to be married four times. The first time, to a man who liked to gamble. The second time to a man who liked to drink. The third time to a man who liked other men. And the fourth time, to the same man she married the second time. Yes, Sophie was tired of having her heart broken, so she decided she would never get married again. And then, one night, she had a visitor. Sophie Bremmer was still a hopeless romantic. But she was no longer naive

Mary Alice

Marriage is a simple concept. Basically, it's a contract between two people. It binds them together for life in the hopes that they can live happily ever after. Sadly, some contracts were made to be broken

Mary Alice

The vow is simple, really. Those who take it promise to stay together for better or for worse. For richer or for poorer. In sickness and in health. To honor and to cherish. Forsaking all others. Until death do us part. Yes, the vow is simple. Finding someone worthy of such a promise is the hard part. But if we can, that's when we begin to live happily ever after

Mary Alice

Bree: Honey, do your hands still tremble when they touch me?
Rex: No. But come on, we've been married eighteen years.
Bree: Yes we have. And you still don't know when I need you to lie

Zach: Ms. Mayer, I am so sorry. It's just, one pebble wasn't working, so I tried a whole handful.
Susan: Ow, ow.
Zach: Look, I'll make it up to you.
Susan: Oh, how? Are you gonna give me your corneas?
Julie: Mom, lay back.
Zach: I just wanted to talk to Julie. She hasn't been returning my phone calls.
Julie: Well, I'm here now. What do you want?
Zach: Come on, Julie. I just want to see you again. You know, talk, hang out.
Julie: Maybe it would be better if we just cooled it for a while, okay?
Zach: Why?
Susan: Well, you just threw rocks in her mother's face. How's that for a start?

I'd be an awful mother, I'm selfish and I'm self-centered, and only person more self-centered than me is Carlos, I mean, he's so self-centered that he doesn't even know how self-centered I am

Gabrielle [to father Crowley]

Annabel: Yes, Tom and I were in love, but he married you. I'm not looking to break up a happy couple... anyway, that's certainly more your speed, isn't it?
Lynette: Watch your step. Tom and I are a team. Our marriage is rock solid. Nothing you ever do will ever break that up.
Annabel: Then why are you down here right now warning me?

Edie: When I feel threatened by a woman, I pull her in, I make her my best friend.
Lynette: I thought you said you didn't have any female friends.
Edie: I don't. And I've never felt threatened by a woman either. But the point is, keep your friends close...
Lynette: ...Keep your enemies closer

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.