Gabrielle: Look, you really want to get back at him? Then kiss me.
John: How's that going to help?
Gabrielle: Because one day, when the time is right, I'm gonna tell him how he drove me right into your arms. And that's gonna kill him. And tonight, just whatever you do, don't call me beautiful.

Bree: Porter, what did I tell you?
Porter: But I'm hungry.
Bree: Well, then, I will fix you a very nice bowl of peaches and cottage cheese.
Porter: Ew, barf.
Bree: Don't be common, young man

Gabrielle: What's that?
Carlos: It's called a post-nuptual agreement. It's a legal document that...
Gabrielle: No, I know what a post-nup is. What is it doing on my coffee table?
Carlos: Well, I can forgive that stunt you pulled with the settlement check...if I'm sure that you're really going to be around when I get out of jail.
Gabrielle: And the post-nup changes the terms of the pre-nup. So...
Carlos: So if you try to divorce me while I'm gone, you get nothing.
Gabrielle: You don't trust me?
Carlos: I'm afraid not

There were many things Gabrielle Solis knew for certain. She knew red was her color. She knew diamonds went with everything and she knew men were all the same. But the one thing Gabrielle knew above all else...she would never want children. Unfortunately for Gabrielle, her husband, Carlos, felt differently. Yes, Gabrielle Solis knew without a doubt she didn't want to be a mother, but what she couldn't know was just how much her husband wanted to be a father, or that he'd been tampering with her birth control for months. Or that within one week's time, she'd be pregnant

Mary Alice

Children come into the world with their own agendas. Some to brighten our days, some to test our patience, some to give us purpose, some to take care of us. Yes, when they come children change everything. Especially when they're not invited

Mary Alice

Tom: Lynette, the kids are getting older and they are getting smarter. Soon, they're going to realize that they outnumber us and, then...
Lynette: We're screwed.
Tom: Exactly

Gabrielle: What?
Carlos: You never liked Mama.
Gabrielle: Well, it's awfully hard to like someone who actively hates your guts. She always thought you married beneath you and she let me know it.
Carlos: She loved you.
Gabrielle: She treated me like trash! God rest her soul.
Carlos: I'm putting my mother in the grave. Now is not the time to pinch pennies.
Gabrielle: Carlos, we're not exactly flush with cash right now. Let her be true to her roots. She was born humble and barefoot.
Carlos: She was a queen

Think about how good men are at lying on the spot. Imagine if you gave them time and a pen


Edie: Susan, you know I try. I try to look past your flaws, your klutziness, that, that faux vulnerability, your hair, but you look for ways to push my buttons.
Susan: He just wants to buy me a burrito

Bree: Camp Hennessy. Teaches kids respect for authority and boundaries in a summer camp-like atmosphere.
Rex: The perimeter is surrounded by an electrified fence!
Bree: Well, you have to admit that's an efficient way to teach respect for boundaries

Edie [to Bill]: Your foreman said that you were out on a date with a hottie. Evidently, someone's in need of Lasik.
Susan: You tracked us down.
Edie: Oh, well, it wasn't hard. I just followed the stench of betrayal. We had an agreement, Susan.
Susan: No, we didn't. You know I just said what you wanted to hear because you guilted me into it.
Edie: I was trying to protect our already fragile friendship.
Bill: Am I in the middle of something here?
Edie: Not anymore. You... (to Susan) ...I will hate forever. And you... (to Bill) ...are fired.
Susan: Edie!
Bill: You're firing me because I'm going out with Susan?
Edie: Yes, and before you start whining that dating her is punishment enough, save it

Bree: Andrew, I need you to take out the trash.
Andrew: Sure.
Bree: Now, not five hours from now.
Andrew: I'm going, I'm going. God! Um, I'm meeting Justin at the mall tonight so I'm gonna need forty bucks."
Bree: No!
Andrew: What?
Bree: You no longer get an allowance.
Andrew: Fine. I'm not taking out the trash

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.