Father Crowley: You're pregnant?
Gabrielle: Yes and it's impossible. I'm on the pill which I know you probably think is a sin but it's a 99.9 per cent effective sin.
Father Crowley: Maybe it's in the 1 per cent that God resides.
Gabrielle: You just couldn't wait to throw that in, could you?

Susan: Could you not flirt with the ice cream man?
Sophie: Why not?
Susan: Do you need a reason besides he's the ice cream man?

Yes, life is a journey, one that is much better travelled with a companion by our side. Of course, that companion can be just about anyone... a neighbor on the other side of the street... or the man on the other side of the bed. The companion can be a mother with good intentions... or a child who's up to no good. Still, despite our best intentions, some of us will lose our companions along the way. And then the journey becomes unbearable. You see, human beings are designed for many things, but loneliness isn't one of them.

Mary Alice

Carlos cut up all my credit cards. I'm married and I can't shop which is the worst of all possible worlds


Can you at least wait until dessert to call our son a sodomite?


Reverend Sikes: I'm sorry -- just so we're clear -- are you a heterosexual or aren't you?
Andrew: Look...I love vanilla ice cream, okay? But every now and then I'm probably going to be in the mood for chocolate. You know what I'm saying?
Reverend Sikes: I do, but God would prefer you to stick to the vanilla.
Andrew: I don't believe in God.
Reverend Sikes: You don't?
Andrew: No. Sorry

Gabrielle: If you ever hurt me again, I will kill you.
Carlos: If you ever leave me for another man, I'll kill you.
Gabrielle: Boy, with all this passion, isn't it a shame that we're not having sex?

John: What about me? Can't I be your plan B?
Gabrielle: Damn it, John. What is our new rule?
John: Stop pretending we have a future.
Gabrielle: Thank you

Andrew: You know what my mum said to me last night? She said she doesn't think I'm going to Heaven. Can you believe that?
Reverend Sikes: I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt your feelings, but the only way you can know Paradise is by repenting your sins.
Andrew: When she said that to me, suddenly it hit me how I was gonna get back at her. From now on, I'm going to be so good. I'm gonna eat my vegetables, I'm gonna get good grades, I'm gonna say "yes, ma'am" and "no, ma'am." I'm gonna make her believe that God has delivered her this little miracle. Until one day, when she least expects it, I'm gonna do something so awful, it is going to rock her world. I mean, it is really going to destroy her. And when that day comes, trust me. I'll know Paradise

Gabrielle: I don't need your credit cards, Carlos, and I don't need your money, but if our marriage is gonna work, I need your respect.
Carlos: I'm not ripping up the post-nup.
Gabrielle: Yes, you are. Because if you don't, I'm gonna put on my new shoes and walk out the door.
Carlos: You're threatening me?
Gabrielle: No, I'm just pointing something out. I'm a pretty girl, and pretty girls are never lonely

Every morning as she went to take out her trash, Lynette Scavo would indulge in a little daydream, the details of which were always the same. One day, her nasty neighbor Karen McCluskey would keel over and die. And her home would be bought by a lovely Swedish family with two adorable twin daughters. The families would form an everlasting friendship, culminating in their daughters marrying her sons at an elaborate wedding the Scavos wouldn't have to pay for. Yes, Lynette enjoyed her little daydream, but Mrs. McCluskey always had a way of pulling her back to reality

Mary Alice

Bree: Rex, don't get up, I'll just be a moment. (to Andrew) Now listen here. A parent has to provide for everything their children needs: an education, love, and a clean, safe home. And I've done all those things. I am through feeling sorry for myself. If you want to piss around and blame all your faults on your sorry home life, that's your business, but I want it stated for the record that I am a good mother!
Rex: Bree, Andrew told me he thinks he might be gay, and he wanted to tell me first because he thinks I could handle it better.
Bree: Well, he's right. I'll be waiting in the car

Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.