Lynette: So here's the thing. I feel really awful about how I acted before.
Tom: For god's sake, you threw me out of my own house.
Lynette: I overreacted, I'm sorry

Zach: Hey. You know that Julie is the first girl I ever gave a flower to?
Susan: Really.
Zach: Yeah. Yeah, I really like her, Ms. Mayer

John, you're a toy. A sweet dumb toy. So you might as well go to college, because there's nothing between us


Susan: Listen, I know being dramatic is the birthright of every teenager, but come on...
Zach [throwing furniture around]: WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!!?? DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Susan: (harshly) Thank you, Zach. You have just made this really easy for me. You are now forbidden from seeing or talking to my daughter ever again! And if you come within ten feet of her, I will call the police, and I will have you arrested! Now get out!

Rex: Hey!
Bree: I'm not speaking to you.
Rex: Didn't like the settlement talks, huh?
Bree: You only demanded the good china because you know I love it.
Rex: You take our timeshare in Aspen, and I'm vindictive? Come on! You'll hardly ever use that place!
Bree: Hardly? How about never!
Rex: I mean, fine. When I move out, I'm going to use your good china for take out food. Yeah. Pizza, spare ribs...
Bree: You know what? At our next settlement talks, I plan on asking for your golf clubs!
Rex: Isn't divorce fun?

Bob Rowland: John surprised us last night when he announced he was turning down his college scholarship.
Helen Rowland: Instead, he's decided to expand his gardening business. Mow lawns full time.
Gabrielle: Well, why, uh, why would he do that?
Helen Rowland: We don't know why. Do you think we'd be talking to you if we did?
Bob Rowland: You'll have to forgive my wife. She's still upset over the whole, um...
Helen Rowland: Statutory rape thing

There is a look that parents of well behaved children, give to the parents of the not so well behaved. A look that says 'you should learn to control your kids. After all, they're your responsibility'. Of course, it was easy for Susan to feel smug with a daughter like Julie. She always brought home straight A's. She was helpful around the house. She was bright, affectionate, and considerate of others. To her mother's way of thinking, Julie was the perfect child. Unfortunately, Susan was about to discover that no such creature existed. There is also a look that parents of not so well behaved children give to parents like Susan. It says, "welcome to the club"

Mary Alice

Rex: So, have you seen Bree lately?
George: Yeah, I ran into her last night at the diner on Maple Avenue. We had a nice talk.
Rex: That's all you did? Just talk?
George: We're just friends, Dr. Van de Kamp. Nothing more.
Rex: That's good to hear. You know, if you ever do get a vibe from Bree that she's interested in more than just friendship, I'd be careful if I were you.
George: Excuse me?
Rex: I just want you to know that she'd only be using you to even the score with me. Don't fall for it.
George: Bree would never do anything like that. She's a lady.
Rex: Exactly. A very beautiful, classy lady. Remember, they tend to end up with doctors, not pharmacists.
George: Bree is very beautiful, and very classy, but she's not very perceptive. For instance, she thinks you're a good person, and it is now very clear to me you aren't

Zach: Ms. Mayer! Hey, is Julie home?
Susan: She's in the shower.
Zach: Oh. Well, I just came by to give her some good news.
Susan: What's that?
Zach: Well, it turns out my Dad and I aren't moving after all.
Susan: What?
Zach: Yeah. He reconsidered, so I guess we're going to keep living across the street.
Susan: Okay. Wow, uh, wow. You know, uh, can you sit down? I need, uh, to talk to you

Julie: Mom!
Susan: What is going on here? Were you just kissing my daughter?
Zach: I...uh...a little.
Susan: What are you thinking?
Julie: Mom, calm down.
Susan: She's only fourteen!
Zach: Yeah. I should, I should probably be going.
Susan: You think?

Suburbia is a place filled with responsible people trying to live responsible lives. Of course, even the most responsible among us, has mistakes in their past. Mistakes they'd like to forget. Mistakes that sometimes come back to haunt them

Mary Alice

It was my first week in college, and I went to a meeting of the Young Republicans, where Rex gave a speech and I went up to him afterward and introduced myself and told him that I agreed with his stance on the death penalty, and he took me out to a diner and, uh, we stayed up until 2 in the morning talking about big government, gun control and illegal immigration. (sighs) It was just... it was just such a magical night


Desperate Housewives Season 1 Quotes

Lynette: Now listen to me, you are going to behave. I will not be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood. And just so you know that I'm serious, I am. (She pulls out paper)
Porter: What's that?
Lynette: Santa's cell phone number!
Preston: How'd you get that?
Lynette: I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf. And if any of you acts up, so help me I will call Santa and tell him you want socks for Christmas! All right, are you willing to risk that!?

You're the one with the problem, all right. You're the one who's acting she's running for mayor of Stepford.