Family Guy
Sundays 9:00 PM on FOXFamily Guy Season 5 Episode 9: "Road to Rupert" Quotes
Man: Interesting. What do I get if I win?
Stewie: My dog.
Man: Hmm. What can he do?
Stewie: Um, if you put peanut butter on your body, he'll lick it off. (moment of silence) (whispers) Anywhere.
And just in time, too. I can't keep my teeth from chattering. Isn't that fun? I got these at Jack's Joke Shop in South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, if it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack. (Brian slaps him) Ahh! Bitch.
Stewie
Brian: I mean, you are getting a little old to have a teddy bear.
Stewie: Brian, I'm one!
Brian: Still?
Stewie: What?
If I enter Connecticut, I'm entering every state that Connecticut's ever been with. Good luck, brave travelers.
Adam West
Adam West: Can I help you, gentlemen?
Brian: Follow that truck. (silence) Didn't you hear me? I said, "Follow that truck."
Adam West: Oh, I heard you. What I didn't hear was "please."
Brian and Stewie: (simultaneously) Please follow that truck.
Joe: I'm here to revoke your driver's license.
Peter: What? Why?
Joe: We got reckless driving, disturbing the peace, plus the driver of one of those other cars was a virgin whose hymen was busted by the airbags, so rape.
Stewie: Why have you brought me to the toy store Brian?
Brian: I'm buying you another Rupert. (picks up a gorilla) Hey, this one's cute, huh? (reads label) And if we buy it, they save a real gorilla in the wild. And if we don't they kill one, wow, these guys are really playing hardball.
(After Stewie dances, he and Brian are allowed to use a helicopter, which they fly over the mountains)
Stewie:(Over the helicopter's propellers) Brian, be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the sky!
Brian: What?
Stewie: I said be careful cause the mountains are the same color as the- WHOA!!!
Brian: What the hell was that?
Stewie: I'm practicing my comedy crash.
Brian: Well keep it down because I'm trying to-
(The helicopter is about to hit a mountain)
Brian & Stewie: WHOA!!!
(They swerve away from the mountain but the tail of their helicopter hits a cliff, causing them to hit a slope and slide down the mountain, they crash into a rock, sail out of the cockpit and hit the snowbank)
Stewie: Imagine the dance I'm gonna have to do to get our security deposit back.
Peter:(after learning Meg is his driver) Lois, this is the best you could do?
Lois: Well, it was either Meg or a talking monkey smoking a cigar, but I didn't think you'd like that.
Monkey: I've already accepted another job.
Peter: Lois, you picked the opposite thing that I would like.
Monkey: That's okay. I would have driven you bananas.
Peter: Oh, oh. And he makes jokes. Nice going, Lois.
Peter: Cleveland, who would you rather do: Queen Latifah or Halle Berry,
but she's been dead for six hours?
Cleveland: Aw, man. That's a tough one.
Stewie: Thanks for the lift, Bandit. Good look tapping that hot... hot... Sally Field tail....
Bandit: Shut up, I don't like it anymore then you do!
