I've been touched by greatness. I'll never watch this hand again. This is the best thing that happened to me since I became a wise-cracking, fourth wall breaking superhero.

Peter [after touching Boo Berry]

Brian [about Fast and Furious movies]: So what's the plot?
Stewie: Oh. So you don't understand these movies.

Chris: I can't tell if they have a really strong marriage or a really bad one.
Meg: I feel like it's weird but strong. Like Danny Trejo.

Brian: Quagmire? What are you doing here?
Quagmire: Oh, I have an all-access pass to anything sex related in this town.

What's the matter, Brian? Have you fallen and can't get up?

Peter

You're stuck being a single loser. You might as well embrace it.

Brian

Good God, it looks like two eggs wrapped in a handkerchief.

Stewie (as Carter bends over)

Lois: That was a delicious dinner, daddy.
Carter: You all laughed when I suggested Boston Market. Well, who's laughing now? I guess I am.

Nothing reminds you more of what you have than watching a grown man poo right through the split in his pants.

Lois

Lois: And Meg I hope you learned your lesson about drinking.
Meg: Yeah. I think I'd rather live my life as a loser than feel bad once in a while.
Lois: Well, I hope you know that you're our loser.
Meg: Thanks, mom.

Meg: Dad, what are we going to do?
Peter: You think it's too early to tie our shirts around our heads to show we're going insane?

Brian: Joe, Joe, it's Brian. Listen. I have to tell you something. I'm - I'm pretty sure Principal Shepard killed his wife.
Joe: That's a serious accusation. Do you have any proof?
Brian: I have something better than proof. Rank suspicion born out of boredom and loneliness.

Family Guy Quotes

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley

[disappointedly] You wanna hurt me? Go right ahead if it makes ya feel any better. I'm an easy target. Yeah. You're right. I talk too much. I also listen too much. I could be a cold-hearted cynic like you, but I don't like to hurt people's feelings. Well, you think what you want about me. I'm not changin'. I like me. My kids like me. My friends like me. 'Cause I'm the real article. What you see is what you get.

Peter