Hey, don't try to take this away from me. This is the only thing I've ever been good at. Well, this and timing my farts to a thunderstorm.

Peter

Brian [after getting off a very crowded bus]: What I wouldn't do for a big, juicy steak.
Indian guy: How dare you! To us, cows are sacred.
Indian guy #2: That's right. You are disrespecting our entire culture!
Indian guy #3: And why did Wes Anderson come here to make his worst movie?
Brian: Stewie! What do we do!?
Stewie: Quick. Hit the red buttons.
[He and Brian press the red dots on the Indian men's foreheads and they power down.]
Brian: Wow. That came in handy.

Joe: You and the gang? I'm the one who brought you here.
Peter: Yeah, well, you know something? The Mayflower also brought fungus which then became the potato famine.
Joe: What the hell are you talking about?
Peter: I don't know. I had like about four Ensures. I'm outta my mind.

Stewie: A peck on the cheek? Was that worth an $8000 coach ticket?
Brian: You know what? It's about the journey, not the destination.
Stewie: No, it's not. This sucked, and you failed.

Stewie: Oh, Padma, I meant to ask you, are there, like, Bengal tigers running loose in the cities?
Padma: I don't know. In America, are there annoying, talking babies always interrupting?

Joe, gag on my fat dauber.

Peter

Stewie:[about India]: Ah, I tell you, I love it here, Brian. The sounds. The colors. You know this is where the Beatles came to ruin their music.

People in love can overcome anything.

Brian

Brian: You know, Padma, I love Indian food, but I have to say my least favorite Curry is Ann. [laughs] She's a newscaster here. I wish I could have slipped that in earlier.
Padma: Oh, no, I know her. She's internationally despised.

Lois (answers door): Huh, there's no one there. Must've been some kids knocking.
Joe: Down here, Lois.
Lois: Oh. For God's sake, Joe. Can't you put a "tall" flag on the back of your chair or something?
Joe: I apologize for the difficulty my paralysis causes you.

Amazing. One second of a stranger's voice on a phone, and you've got full Bollywood.

Stewie

Stewie: Oh my God. They just elected him out of pity, because they think he's mentally challenged.
Brian: Kind of like we did with George W. Bush, huh? Right?
Stewie: [loud sigh] I guess. I guess, Brian. I don't...I don't know. Let's just watch some commercials now.

Family Guy Quotes

Death Star Officer 1: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe.
Stewie (Darth Vader): That is fantastic! Terrific work! So no weaknesses at all, huh?
Death Star Officer 1: N- (considers) no.
Stewie (Darth Vader): You, uh, you hesitated there. Is there something I should know?
Death Star Officer 1: No, it's virtually indestructable, like 99.99 percent.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Uh...OK, wouldn't be doin' my job if I didn't ask what's the .01?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, I- I mean, there's this little hole, it was kind of an aesthetic choice by the architect, and if you shoot a laser into this hole, uh, the station blows up.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that sounds like a pretty big design flaw there.
Death Star Officer 1: No, no, no the hole's only two meters across.
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Well, that's no bigger than a womp rat.
Death Star Officer 1: Exactly. And even to get within range of it, you have to skim along this whole trench, it's not a big deal.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Well, I mean, I mean, can't we board it up or, you know, put some plywood over it or something?
Death Star Officer 1: Well, that would look terrible! I mean, we got to think about re-sale.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Re-sale? Wh-what are you talking about? This property is right above Sunset, the value's only gonna go up.
Death Star Officer 1: Lord Vader, your inside references to the Los Angeles real estate market haven't given you the clairvoyance to turn a profit on that condo in Glendale, nor has it-
(Vader begins choking him with the Force)
Stewie (Darth Vader): I find your lack of faith disturbing. That property is in a prime location, twenty minutes to the beach, twenty minutes to downtown!
Death Star Officer 1: (choking) There's nothing to do downtown!
Mayor Adam West (Grand Moff Tarkin): Enough of this! Vader, release him.
Stewie (Darth Vader): As you wish. (releases the officer, who collapses on the table, gasping for air) All right, so we gonna plug up that hole?
Death Star Officer 2: Yeah, we can get it done tomorrow if price is no object.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Eyuuuuh...
Death Star Officer 2: We'll get estimates.
Stewie (Darth Vader): Yeah, get estimates, yeah ha, yeah, yeah ha ha, yeah.

Stewie: (Comes into the bedroom) Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! Mama! Mama! Mama! Ma! Ma! Ma! Ma! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mum! Mummy! Mummy! Mumma! Mumma! Mumma!
Lois: What!?
Stewie: Hi! (Giggling and running out of the room)