Peter: Some people say we're just a computer simulation run by a higher species. Is that true?
God: It is.

Peter: You were right about everything.
God: Say that again.
Peter: You were right about everything.
God: That's all I needed to hear. That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.

God: Actually, Peter, from what I've seen, I think your family would be better off without you.
Peter: What? What do you mean?
God: Well, you're an inattentive husband and a terrible parent.
Peter: Oh, says father of the year.
God: Oh, please. He played that for all it was worth. "Why has God forsaken me?" You know what? I did him a favor.
Peter: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.

Every adult has to take an Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.

Lois

Peter: God?
God: Yes, but no Trump questions.
Peter. Okay, but I have nothing else to ask you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch, on the couch.

Peter

Dad, I don't know how to thank you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Quagmire

C'mon, Quagmire, it's not impossible. You want impossible? Try eating local pizza with a guy from New York.

Peter

You don't know what that penis meant to me. We did everything together. Everything.

Quagmire

Peter: Doc. Give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. He's black.
Peter: Not that friend. Quagmire.
Dr. Hartman: Oh. Him.

  • Permalink: Oh. Him.
  • Added:

Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Hammer

Peter: What happened? All of a sudden I feel I know better than everyone else.
Hammer: That's because anytime anyone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

Family Guy Quotes

Lois: How was your physical, Peter?
Peter: Good. Good. Good, yeah. Too good, as a matter of fact. Ya know what the doctor said? The doctor said I was too healthy. Too good of shape. Don't even know how, too good of shape.
Lois: You didn't go to your physical, did you?
Peter: Er, I did not.

Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. I can't sleep at night. The other day I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. And two weeks ago I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. Then I find out my wife has been dead for six years. Who the hell did I hit?

Wilford Brimley