Peter: Some people say we're just a computer simulation run by a higher species. Is that true?
God: It is.

Peter: You were right about everything.
God: Say that again.
Peter: You were right about everything.
God: That's all I needed to hear. That's what religion is. It's not about being good or bad. It's just blind subservience to an imaginary being.

God: Actually, Peter, from what I've seen, I think your family would be better off without you.
Peter: What? What do you mean?
God: Well, you're an inattentive husband and a terrible parent.
Peter: Oh, says father of the year.
God: Oh, please. He played that for all it was worth. "Why has God forsaken me?" You know what? I did him a favor.
Peter: Okay, there's a lot to unpack there.

Every adult has to take an Ambien every night to even have a prayer at sleep.

Lois

Peter: God?
God: Yes, but no Trump questions.
Peter. Okay, but I have nothing else to ask you.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch, on the couch.

Peter

Dad, I don't know how to thank you. You've given me the greatest gift I could have ever asked for.

Quagmire

C'mon, Quagmire, it's not impossible. You want impossible? Try eating local pizza with a guy from New York.

Peter

You don't know what that penis meant to me. We did everything together. Everything.

Quagmire

Peter: Doc. Give it to us straight. What's going on with our friend?
Dr. Hartman: Well, Mr. Griffin, there's no easy way to put this, so I'm just going to come right out and say it. He's black.
Peter: Not that friend. Quagmire.
Dr. Hartman: Oh. Him.

  • Permalink: Oh. Him.
  • Added:

Remember, Peter, never walk anywhere when you can ride something weird instead.

Hammer

Peter: What happened? All of a sudden I feel I know better than everyone else.
Hammer: That's because anytime anyone walks through a cloud of vape smoke, a millennial is born.

Family Guy Quotes

Oh, Lois just texted. Burgers or meatballs for dinner? I'll text back for you. Same things, bitch, just different shapes.

Stewie [to Peter]

Brian: You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Now hang on... hang on, Meg, hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror because all you see is a whore. So, you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're going to be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your step-dad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
(Connie cries and runs)