So am-am I a waitress again, or am I pretending to be a customer or...oops. I think we can all agree that it's amazing that I've lasted this long, right?

Nancy

• Permalink: So am-am I a waitress again, or am I pretending to be a customer or...oops. I think we can...
• Added: February 11, 2015

Mitch: Howdy, Cattleman's Ranch
Louis: Mitch, how many tables are booked for tonight
Mitch: Uh, let's see. Oh just one but it's a big party of 10.
Louis: (whispering) OK, well, there's a change of plans, me and my family are coming in tonight. I need you to fill up the restaurant any way you can.
Mitch: Well, I got that big party of 10 coming in
Louis: No, we're the big party of 10.
Mitch: You and me?
Louis: Me and my family are the big party of 10!

• Permalink: Me and my family are the big party of 10!
• Added: February 11, 2015

Sometimes you have to spend money you don't have to make it seem like you have money that you don't spend.

Louis

• Permalink: Louis: Sometimes you have to spend money you don't have
• Added: February 11, 2015

Emery: Why can't we stay on the couch
Jessica: Because then your aunt and uncle will know that we don't have enough bedrooms [sighs] and they must never know that.

• Permalink: Because then your aunt and uncle will know that we don't have enough bedrooms and...
• Added: February 11, 2015

The way my parents were acting you would have thought Maria Carey was coming to visit. I mean a pre-Nick Cannon in a Washington Wizards dress Mariah Carey

Eddie

• Permalink: The way my parents were acting you would have thought Maria Carey was coming to visit. I mean...
• Added: February 11, 2015

I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson, he could put an axe in any door he wants to. Why? Because we have 500 other doors and a maze.

Jessica

• Permalink: I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson,...
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: Yo mom! You see Honey, ask her how those Skittles treated her.
Louis: Why are you giving women candy?
Eddie: Cause she's soooo sweet
Louis: Go to your room

• Permalink: Go to your room
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: Hey girl, how you livin'
Honey: (responding in a baffled manner) I'm fine. Uh hi, I'm Honey.
Eddie: Yeah, you are
Jessica: Eddie stop acting weird.

• Permalink: Eddie stop acting weird.
• Added: February 11, 2015

Jessica: Eddie! That's very expensive. If you want to waste something, you waste water. Do not throw juice.
Eddie: Mom, get out of my fantasy!
Eddie: Jessica, water does not project success. Capri Sun does. As does Cattleman's Ranch Ribs. Great pork at a fair price. Come on flight girls. Try a rib tell a friend.
Jessica: This is not free! I'm going to charge you all!

• Permalink: This is not free! I'm going to charge you all!
• Added: February 11, 2015

Louis: Stop reading those books. Those stories give you nightmares.
Jessica: You know what gives me nightmares. Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook.

• Permalink: Stephen King should publish my checkbook.
• Added: February 11, 2015

Eddie: I had to find a way to fit in or be stuck eating lunch with the janitor and his kite
(cut to janitor)
Janitor: I'm just saying don't call it a fruit salad if it's nothing but melons.

• Permalink: I'm just saying don't call it a fruit salad
• Added: February 11, 2015

Dine-and-Dasher: Hey, you hit us with your car
Jessica: You hit my car with your bodies

• Permalink: You hit my car with your bodies
• Added: February 04, 2015