Jake: Why do you do it?
Kevin 1: Kevin loves to ask questions while we're watching our show, and I love not beating him to death with a hammer because he interrupts every five seconds.

Jake: Alright, you sure you want to do this Annie? Because once the noise has been brought, it cannot be unbrought.
Annie: Oh bring the noise and honestly, bring the funk as well because I am looking forward to this.
Gary: And she is telling the truth.
Jake: About the funk as well?
Gary: Especially about the funk.

Gil, we're going out. Call me. My number's 911.


Jake: So, good news. We are no longer at war over who watched "The Moors".
Gil: Oh thank God.
Annie: When I thought Jake watched it I was like, "Do I even know this man?"
Jake: And I was like, "Is this the monster that I've chosen to fill with babies?"
Annie: [laughing] Yes!

  • Permalink: Yes!
  • Added:

Dennah: The other day, he [Gary] took me to the evidence room. Told me I could pick out anything I wanted.
Gil: So what'd you get?
Dennah: Really high.

I mean, it cannot be overstated how much a television program about social hierarchy and sexual atrocities in 19th century England has elevated our love.


Jake: I'm sorry I've been acting so weird lately. What can I say, it's my testicles.
Annie: I wish you could see them the way I see them.
Jake: I wish I could too.

Annie: Is it just me or do we look really good in this grainy footage?
Kay: Oh my God, so good. You should make a sex tape.
Annie: Absolutely.
Kay: I should direct it.
Annie: No thank you.

Jake may have called her baby Don Rickles, and as I'm saying that aloud I realized I should have piled on with Don Wrinkles.


Kay: Annie, what's wrong?
Annie: Jake's acting weird, and not his usual shame-eat-a-lean-cuisin-in-the-middle-of-the-night-then-hide-the-plastic-tray-in-the-bathroom-garbage-weird. Like weird-weird.
Kay: Yeah because that first one was totally normal weird.

Jake: We have decided to start thinking about talking about...
Annie: ... being prepared for a time in the future when we may want to consider starting to talk about having kids.
Jake: Yep, that's the language we landed on.

Dennah: Hey where you been girl?
Kay: Well, you left me alone with Linda the butcher, so I went home with 4 pounds of top sirloin and 110 pounds of sexual fury.

Marry Me Quotes

It's a dating app for lesbians, like Grinder is for gay men, or Tinder is for straight men and whores.


Without you I would just spin off into space like Sandra Bullock in "Gravity". You keep me grounded, like Sandra Bullock in real life.