Coming up with a lie like that in the moment? That girl is no clown, she's gonna be a lawyer.

Mitchell

• Permalink: Coming up with a lie like that in the moment? That girl is no clown, she's gonna be a lawyer.
• Added: January 14, 2015

By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.

Jay

• Permalink: By the way, do not look up peeing games on the internet.
• Added: January 14, 2015

Haley [smells pot]: Hey! Smells like a party!
Claire: Back inside.
Haley: Ok.

• Permalink: Hey! Smells like a party!
• Added: January 14, 2015

Jay: You know I raised two fully functional children.
Gloria: You have two kids that I don't know about?

• Permalink: You have two kids that I don't know about?
• Added: January 14, 2015

Cam: I present to you the Asian for any occassion, the clown that will invert that frown, the dynamic duo of Fizbo and...
Lily: Lizbo!
Mitchell: Are you not hearing that?
Cam: We're working on the name.

• Permalink: We're working on the name.
• Added: January 14, 2015

What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a Sweeney Todd moment.

Mitchell

• Permalink: What have I said about sneaking up on me? I could've been shaving. This could've been a...
• Added: January 14, 2015

He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.

Jay [about Joe]

• Permalink: He's grown up drinking from a breast bigger than his head. I don't think he scares easy.
• Added: January 14, 2015

Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.

Manny

• Permalink: Do we have to put the toilet on the counter? I take my afternoon coffee here.
• Added: January 14, 2015

Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.

Mitchell

• Permalink: Usually when everything's normal, people don't respond in perfectly rehearsed unison.
• Added: January 14, 2015