McGee: You know, the fact that so much time has passed now, you don't even have to disclose those deaths when you sell.
Tony: Wait, is that true?

Gibbs: How many have you got?
Fornell: None.
Gibbs: Doesn't sound like it.
Fornell: Well. I can't get it up.
Gibbs: Aw geeze.....
Fornell: No. The nerve. I can't get up the nerve to go out with them. I should start this all again.
Gibbs: Please. Don't.

Vance: What the hell was that?
Tony: I don't know. I usually only have that effect on women.

McGee: Good morning, Ellie.
Bishop: Good morning, Tim.

Bishop: Here we go. A homeless guy. Doesn't really look like Tony.
McGee: Give him a few years.

Actually she told me that I'd get to play a government agent, you know, like Jason Bourne. Instead of course I get Jason Boring.

Tiny Tony

Tony: How long have I been working for NCIS?
Tiny Tony: Long enough that you should be making better money. Wait for it...wait for it....yup. You're pathetic.
Tall Tony: I'm not even that good at memorizing lines, but you were easy. You have no life.
Tiny Tony: It's true. No wife, no kids, no hobbies. Same job, same apartment. Nothing changes with you.

Did you happen to catch her name, DiNozzo, or is that not the way dates work anymore?

Gibbs

Gibbs: How did you meet her the first time?
Tony: I met her in a bar.
Gibbs: Let me guess. She approached you.
Tony: They usually do, but...I was a target.
Gibbs: An easy one!

I mean I get swindled by a bimbo, I've got Laurel and Hardy impersonating me. What about the third guy? Is he a buffoon? Is that who I am?

Tony

I feel like I don't know who I am. And it's strange, because she stole my identity, right? But I feel like I already lost my identity. What is this? Seriously, is this some kind of weird metaphor for my current psychological state?

Tony

Gibbs: So listen. Stretch. This isn't a game. You've got one shot at your friend. No fooling around.
Tall Tony: Don't worry. I'm an actor.
Gibbs: Yeah. That's what I'm worried about.

NCIS Quotes

McGee, not me? McGoo, you?

Tony

Flemming: Director, it's *my* life.
Vance: And we're gonna protect it. [beat] You're welcome!