When God gives you a swastika, he opens a window. And then you remember, there is no God.


Piper: One of my roommates has a massive heart attack when she got here.
Larry: OK - you are not allowed to have a heart attack.

Piper: She's issued a Fatwa against me. I think I'm gonna have to fight her.
Larry: What?
Piper: How am I going to fight an old Russian lady with back problems?

Maybe this is a bad time to say hi.


Sam: Why?
Piper: Why isn't this the Radisson?
Sam: Why do you need to be moved? Did somebody try to engage with you?

I just didn't expect to be punished... while I was being punished.


You love adventure, right? And that's what got you in there. This is all just a big adventure with liver, and yoga Jones and racism.


Sophia: I made my own. Commissary don't carry a size 13.
Piper: Is that duct tape?
Sophia: Metallics are very in this season.

There's no point in playin' shy baby. You're home.


Why would anyone ever give up being a man? That's like winning the lottery and giving back the ticket.


I want you to understand. You do not have to have lesbian sex.

Sam Healy

Piper: I'm not you wife.
Crazy Eyes: I threw my pie for you.