J.D.: Jordan, look I know you're on your way to the board meeting and I know you don't really like me.
Jordan: I don't dislike you. I nothing you.
J.D.: Oh thanks. That's, that's special

I didn't do it for you, Perry, I only did it because the thought of you rotting here in this hospital is better than figuring out ways to spend your alimony check


J.D.'s Narration: There's a lot of horrible things about being an intern: long hours, constant stress, having to deal with death. But worst of all is the simple fact that the average intern has to disimpact fifteen to twenty bowels a week. That's why there's a sacred oath among interns never to make fun of each other for doing the things we have to do.
Elliot: Hee-hee. You have to touch someone's hiney!
Dr. Kelso: Dorian, come with me. And Dr... uh...
Elliot: Reid.
Dr. Kelso: Sure, why not. Take over for him.
J.D.: Hee-hee!

Dr. Kelso: Ah, Sweetheart! Are you getting younger?
Jordan: Ugh.
Dr. Kelso: This is Dr. Dorian - he'll be looking after you.
Jordan: And who will be looking after him?

Elliot: Wow! I can't imagine picking psychiatry as a specialty after interning as a real doctor... That didn't come out right... It's just, my dad - um, he's a doctor, too - he says therapy is for people with more money than problems. But then... my dad says a lot of things...
Nurse: Did anyone page a nurse?
Elliot: No.
Nurse: It looks like his eyes are screaming.
Elliot: Please, we're talking

Carla: She doesn't want me to have men here because I'm unmarried.
Turk: Well tell her I needed a place to crash; she doesn't have to know we had sex all night.
Carla: She speaks English!
Turk: Then what the hell are you translating for?
Carla: Because you don't speak Spanish!
Turk: Oh!

J.D.: So, uh, how are you feeling?
Jordan: Great. That's why I'm here. Listen, R.J.-
J.D.: J.D.
Jordan: Like it matters. Look, you seem like a nice, spineless little boy, so let's be honest. I'm here because it was the only way to end my beast of a mother's nagging, pseudo-concern.
J.D.: How sweet.
Jordan: So, do your little tests; but first, close the blinds, wash off whatever eighth-grade dance cologne you're wearing so we don't add nausea to my symptoms, and I'll need lemon wedges for my sparkling water - which, for some reason, you have yet to get me.
J.D.: Okay, well let me just check out-
Jordan: Doing things I want first, your little tests later.
J.D.: Nice to meet you

J.D.: I have to be honest, Miss Sullivan; when Dr. Kelso said "board member", I was thinking of this, like, old, grumpy-
Jordan: That would be my father. He died.
J.D.: I'm so sorry.
Jordan: ...Twenty years ago.
J.D.: Oh. I woulda said sorry back then, but I had a little trouble with my S's...I was five... S's..

Turk: I will never sleep at your place again.
Carla: It wasn't that bad!
Turk: Does your mother invite the priest over for breakfast every day?
Carla: Only when she finds me in bed with some guy.... So, yeah, most days

Elliot: Why doesn't anyone ever listen to me?
Turk: 'In a better place', 'look different', 'feel good', 'kay? That's what usually happens when you see a shrink.
Elliot: My patient happens to be a therapist, I'm not 'seeing a shrink.'
Turk: Okay.
Elliot: And I would appreciate it if you'd stop spreading around embarrassing rumors like that.
Turk: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm just goofing around. Besides, the last thing I want to do is upset a crazy lady

J.D.: Sorry. He's a... Wait, wait, wh-why are you dressed?
Jordan: Oh, I'm going to a party. I assume my tests are normal, or else you wouldn't be chatting me up. But, gosh, Huckleberry, I sure hope we can go down to the river sometime and race frogs!
J.D.'s Narration: That's it!
J.D.: Listen, you spoiled, bossy, chore of a woman.
Jordan: I'm sorry, what'd you just say?
J.D.'s Narration: You're in now, go for it.
J.D.: I'm the doctor, here. So put your gown back on, get back in bed, and shut the hell up.
Jordan: No one talks to me that way!
J.D.: Well, get used to it...missy... Um... I didn't mean to be such a hard-ass just now. You can totally wait until I'm gone to put your gown back on.
Jordan: Take off your pants.
J.D.: Yes, ma'am

Dr. Cox: Hello, Jordan.
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, no, no.
Jordan: Perry.
J.D.: "Perry"?
Dr. Cox: You never heard that.
J.D.'s Narration: I never heard that, I'm not here, and I don't have your ex-wife's bite mark on my neck

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 6 Quotes

Turk: You know, I went to therapy once.
Elliot: You did?
Turk: Yeah. Once, though, like, back in '93 to '94; and then three months in '95; and then I went to Group which was a disaster

Dr. Cox: She was never boring.
J.D.: What happened?
Dr. Cox: Eh, you marry somebody just like your mother, and then you remember you hate your mother