Scrubs Season 1 Episode 15: "My Bed Banter & Beyond" Quotes
Turk: Baby, I am so sorry I made an incredibly insensitive statement about an ugly person.
Carla: I'm taking one of those quiet moments where I weigh your good qualities against your bad ones and decide if you're actually worth the trouble
Turk: So, Elliot says she's looking for a surgical consult. Do you know where she is?
J.D.: I don't know. Why should I know? You know, it's funny that you think I would know - I have no idea where she is.
Todd: I know where The Todd would like Elliot to be: In his pants!
J.D.: Ha! Clever! You know, she told me she's not going out with anyone, you should ask her out.
Turk: Whoa, Ell- no, no. Elliot and The Todd? That's a terrible couple. That's-that's worse than Joanie and Chachi.
J.D.: Dude, Joanie loves Chachi
J.D.: You okay?
Elliot: Yeah. I mean, I may, eventually, need a vagina transplant
You know what, after I have sex five times with somebody, I...usually like to have the relationship talk... I know, I know it seems rushed, but, you have to understand, five times usually takes me anywhere between six months and seven years
Elliot
J.D.: What are you talking about?
Dr. Cox: Please stop. The whole floor knows, we do. Watch this... Laverne, did you know [about J.D. and Elliot]?
Laverne: Was it supposed to be a secret?
Dr. Cox: And, Carla?
Carla: Please. I knew before they did.
Dr. Cox: So, there it is. Oh, and, if you go ahead and listen very carefully, you'll hear the familiar sound of no one caring
Okay, Mr. Lewis, I'm afraid we're gonna need another stool sample. Not for medical reasons...my robot needs food
J.D.
Elliot: There was nothing funny about that.
J.D.: Oh, all right, maybe you just don't know funny. Okay; let me help you out: Silly hats are funny; ALF, very funny; anyone in a chicken suit... Oh! Over-sized phones are funny
J.D.: Probably just a bad ball.
Elliot: You don't always have to patronize me, I mean, you could just be honest with me and tell me that I suck.
J.D.: You know what, Elliot, it's hard to be honest with you when you're so neurotic, you don't even trust the computer to keep your score
Dr. Cox: Oh, what the hell, Barbie? You should have gotten the cardiology fellow to give Mrs. Zuckerman a transvenous pacemaker one hour ago.
Elliot: Sir, I was waiting to see if-
Dr. Cox: Oh! You were waiting! I'm sorry, that's-that's my mistake... Oh! I'm gonna wait with ya!
Elliot: Dr. Cox...
Dr. Cox: You gotta give it time; because you see, when you're waiting for someone to magically get better all by themselves, the whole thing becomes about time
Elliot: Dr. Cox, I was waiting to see if she would tolerate her low heart-rate, which is exactly what all the medical textbooks tell us to do. Am I right, J.D.?
Dr. Cox: Is she right, J.D.?
J.D.: Uhhhh... Well, technically, yes. But, you know, it's-it's really a judgment call, and if she really was that bradycardic, I probably would've called the fellow... But I, that's-that's me. I...
Dr. Cox: Wow. Always side with the hoochie, Newbie. It's rookie mistake. Gosh, you-you hate to see it
J.D.: Why is it impossible for you to ever let anything go?
Elliot: Oh, I let tons of stuff go; like when you wouldn't stand up for me in front of Dr. Cox. Or when you started telling everyone we know that we're having sex.
J.D.: And when are you-when are you letting that stuff go?
Elliot: Fine. You wanna know why I won't let that go? Because the only reason that you wouldn't stand up for me is that you're so terrified that someone, somewhere, in this hospital won't like you.
J.D.: Oh, and that's a bad thing? That's a bad thing, Elliot? Why don't-why don't we get all of my friends together in a room and we'll fight your friend
Things that wouldn't have bothered you a week ago in a friendship become so incredibly important when sex is involved. I just...I think it'd be easier if you weren't friends with your girlfriend... At all
J.D.