Dr. Cox: Good morning angels. What'd you have? One-too-many daiquiris last night?
J.D.: Spence, this is Doctor Cox and...
Jordan: Don't bother, don't care.
Spencer: Oh oh yeah, right he's the scary man you told me about last night. Hey, congratulations.
Dr. Cox: For what, jackass?
Spencer: You just had a baby.
J.D.: No, no, no, she just had a baby.
Spencer: Yeah but you said it was his. And you said something else...
Turk: That he didn't know it yet.

Dr. Cox: Hey Betty, hey Wilma. What the hell, you're only forty minutes late. Do I, do I smell beer?
J.D.: Oh we, we ahh had a few.
Dr. Cox: Newsflash. You can't drink and then come to work. You're not airline pilots.
J.D.: Look Doctor Cox...
Dr. Cox: No you look! If someone had asked me, just this morning is there anyway that I could have less respect for you two geniuses I would have said no, no that's not possibile. But low-and-behold you went and pulled it off. Congratulations. The only problem is I'm fresh outta blue ribbons so instead you're gonna have to settle for a lifetime supply of my foot up your ass. Now go home, you're not fit to work tonight.

Carla: Yeah, I don't know about that, Perry. Sounds to me like she's trying to protect your relationship.
Elliot: Yeah, I mean, some people's mothers say the only way to get a guy to marry you is by using pregnancy as a trap.
Dr. Cox: What!?
Elliot: Uh, stupid mothers who got even meaner when they stopped drinking...

J.D.: Look, I'm sorry I was such a jerk yesterday, okay? I mean, come on, look at this floor! You could practically eat off of it!
Janitor: Would you?
J.D.: Would I what?
Janitor: Would you eat off the floor?
J.D.'s Narration: As I bent down to eat that peppered floor turkey, unaware that the cleanser the Janitor uses is an extremely potent diuretic, I realized something... the reason we're doctors is because we have an innate desire to help people.
Janitor: That was disgusting.

Dr. Cox: No, I was scared. In fact, I was freaking out all day, because I'm quite confident that I'm gonna be an absolutely horrible father.
J.D.: You? Come on! You're gonna be a very scary fath-I mean a great... you're gonna be a great father. Like last night, when you totally kicked our asses 'cause we deserved it? And do you remember that time you told me I wasn't the worst resident that ever lived?
Dr. Cox: You mean like eight seconds ago?
J.D.: You have no idea how much that meant to me.
Dr. Cox: I said I think you may not be the worst resident ever, but I can't be sure of stuff like that. Come on, I haven't done the appropriate leg work!

J.D.: Uh, look, Mr. Graff, because it's diabetes-related, the pain in your foot isn't responding to pain-killers. But, I'd like to try an anti-seizure medication before we even consider amputation.
Mr. Graff: Oh, good. 'Cause I have an audition for "Stomp!" tomorrow. Look, just cut the damn thing off, will ya?

Spence: Jill Anderson.
Turk: Yes.
Spence: Yes.
J.D.: No.
Turk: Monica Meyer.
Spence: Yeah.
Turk: Yes.
J.D.: You know, guys, I don't think it's really appropriate for us to be rehashing our college sexual conquests with Carla in the other room-
Turk: Leslie Stevens!
J.D.: YES! On a pile of coats with hundreds of people around! What a whore!
Carla: Who else? Who else did you bang?!
J.D.: Carla... college wasn't all sex and coats.

Spence: Hey, so, uh, when do people get to yell, like, "stat!" and stuff?
Carla: Kinda never.

Carla: No you didn't!
Elliot: I did! And now every time I turn around, Dr. Kelso's riding me.
Todd: I've got next! Wassaaaap!... No one? Self five! For the big dog!

Look, Elliot, I've seen this before. Kelso starts to worry he's not scary anymore, so he picks somebody to be his bitch. Who he picks is totally random. You know, unless you... throw a needle in his face.


Jordan: Okay, I didn't tell you that the kid was yours and you're upset - I get it! But you seem to be making a really big deal out of this. Is there something else that's bothering you?
Dr. Cox: It's mostly just the kid thing.
Jordan: I told you, I didn't want you to feel pressured to be with me. I didn't want you to feel manipulated.

Turk: Hey, so I saved up, like, five hundred bucks? Where would you put that if you were me?
Spence: I dunno, a wallet? A money-clip?

Scrubs Season 2 Episode 22 Quotes

Spence: Well, I'm sorry you guys can't make the wedding.
J.D.: Yeah, well, give the guys a big kiss for us.
Turk Don't forget to tell 'em that the ferret only eats fresh vegetables.
Spence: I'm gonna miss you guys... Heh heh, I'll see you later.

J.D.'s Narration: Really, all you can hope for is just an occasional thank-you.
J.D.: I'm so glad the medication worked on your foot.
Mr. Graff: So I'm supposed to be happy because someone finally did something right?
J.D.'s Narration: You're welcome.