Scrubs Season 4 Episode 23: "My Faith in Humanity" Quotes
J.D.: Go enjoy your little rafting thing in New Zealand - which, incidentally, is ten thousand miles east of Australia, and famous for alcoholism and clam chowder. I've been brushing up on my New Zealand.
Jake: You've been brushing up on New England.
J.D.: Can you believe this guy?
Dr. Kelso: Son, look around. There's an old man with Alzheimer's who no one bothers to come visit. This morning I had a chat with a woman who refuses to stop using cocaine even though she's six months pregnant. And just last week I saw an older woman fall and break her hip because some guy was too busy to hold the door open for her!
J.D.: Sir, you laughed and pointed when she fell.
Dr. Kelso: I didn't say it wasn't funny - I just said it happened.
Jake: Buddy, you would not believe the day I'm having.
Janitor: Quiet, jackass. What'd you say to Elliot to make her run off like that? 'Cause if you hurt her...
Jake: I didn't say anything! Everyone around here is crazy.
Janitor: That's not true. Let me put down my bag of rats and explain something to you...
Jake: Bag of rats? Those alive?
Janitor: Most of 'em are. I put a dead one in the middle, that way all the live ones get a good look at him, they start toeing that line. Know what I'm saying?
Jake: I very much don't.
Carla: Elliot, do you see the problem with trying to appeal to its human side?
Elliot: He doesn't have one.
Carla: Exactly! But what does he have?
Elliot: A shaved chest, a closetful of tiny tee shirts, and the eyes of a madman.
Dr. Cox: OHHHH! I'm sorry! The correct answer she was looking for is "a giant ego"! I have a giant ego!
Elliot: Dammit! I knew that!
Elliot: I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here! I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether!
Dr. Cox: And on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in the little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and halleluia!
Elliot: Dr. Cox, this is the most painful thing I've ever done, and I was a cutter for a week in high school - my shop teacher thought scars were sexy, but that is a whole other story. The point is your advice really worked with Jake, and I'd really appreciate it if you'd give me some more help.
Dr. Cox: Oh, no problem Barbie. Let me just finish writing this, uh, prescription. You'll be all squared away.
Elliot: This a prescription for "no."
Dr. Cox: Correctomundo. It's to be taken with food every Saturday night while you're eating alone.
Jake: I don't know what the odds are, J.D., but what I do know is I'm about to go down to my truck, get my kayak paddle, and go Greg Barton on your ass.
J.D.: Who's Greg Barton?
Jake: He's a famous kayaker.
J.D.: Oh, Greg Barton!
Jake: I hate you, J.D.
J.D.: I know.
J.D.: Yes. Here's Ted, our brilliant hospital attorney. Sharp as a tack.
Ted: Mark my words, Jake! We're gonna take every last cent you have!
J.D.: No, no, Ted, we're on his side.
Ted: Oh. Here's my card.
Jake: This is a post-it.
Ted: I don't get real cards until I win a case.
J.D.: Go take a nap, Ted.
J.D.'s Narration: Of course, he wouldn't've been able to do it if it weren't for his secret weapon...
J.D.: Dr. John Dorian.
Jake: What?
J.D.: Wha?
Jake: You just said your name in a weird kinda summing-up way.
J.D.: No I didn't, Jake.
Dennis: Ah, so you're Jake! Uh, as I understand it, you just talked my sister into ending her life. Long story short: I'm a lawyer, I'm suing you. Once again: Sister dying, brother lawyer, suing you!
J.D.: See, that's summing up in a weird way.
Turk: I've been hitting you.
J.D.: Yeah, you're like the brown Hulk.
Oh my God, here he comes. Okay, this is easy, just compliment him - tell him he has a square head. That's not a compliment! What shape is a compliment? Triangle? Uh, pyramid? Circle! Circle head! Oh my God, you're stuck on shapes and Square-Head's almost here!
Elliot's Narration
Janitor: Elliot. My neighbor fainted too! Hey, you wanna go clubbing tonight? And I don't mean dancing - I mean going up to the roof and killing rats.
Elliot: Janitor. I thought we were done with this?
Janitor: I know. Thought I'd give it a shot.
Elliot: Ugh. Just...put her back in her room.
Janitor: She's not a patient. I got her at the mall!
