J.D.: How's it going?
Janitor: I'm 37 years old, and I'm a janitor; how do you think it's going?
J.D.: Now, there is nothing wrong with being a janitor.
Janitor: Really? Thank you. You...you've turned my life around. I'm gonna have to go tell my janitor wife and all our janitor kids that life is worth living; and that comes straight from our hero, Dr. Whoozitz...Dr. Nothin'. No, seriously, come on. You can come over to my humble house and point out things that are cheap

Elliot: Just because I occasionally say something stupid doesn't mean I'm in the hospital going door to door annoying people, like some crazed Jehovah's Witness. Oh. You're not?
Turk: No. But my mother is.
J.D.: He's black, too. You should tease him about that

J.D.'s narration: When you really lock in with a mentor, you start to understand the meaning behind their words.
Dr. Cox: You do whatever you want.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Great idea!"
Dr. Cox: I'm, I'm just happy you haven't messed up yet today.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "You're really coming along as a doctor."
Dr. Cox: Don't. Ever. Touch me.
J.D.'s narration: Means: "Don't ever touch him"

J.D.: Will, the pneumonia patient, I got him to quit smoking.
Dr. Cox: Forever?
J.D.: Yuh-huh!
Dr. Cox: No "last one"? 'Cause the last ones are better than sex, trust me, I've had about a thousand of 'em

J.D.: I ordered blood cultures and a high-resolution CT.
Will: What are you looking for?
Dr. Cox: Cancer.
J.D.'s thoughts: When you say the word "cancer," every person reacts the same way.
Will: Excellent.
J.D.'s thoughts: Not like that.
[Will faints]
J.D.'s thoughts: There it is

Dr. Cox: You are to return that umbrella to me at the hospital. Not here. Is that clear?
J.D.: Yeah.
Dr. Cox: Hey, newbie...know what your problem is?
J.D.: My bones hurt?
Dr. Cox: You were gonna, what, rescue me from loneliness with a $3 six-pack of light beer? It turns out we can't save people from themselves, newbie. We just treat 'em. We're gonna treat that kid with a respiratory problem, and when he comes back with cancer, go ahead and treat that too.
J.D.: Well, thanks for the pick-me-up.
Dr. Cox: Hey. Smokers, drinkers, druggies, fatties, whatever. All I'm saying is, if you keep living and dying on whether or not a person changes, well...you're not gonna make it as a doctor, that's all. Now come here and give me a hug. It's okay, come here. Come here. Get outta here! And take this piss water with you. It's embarrassing to have it here.
Dr Cox's friend: I'll drink it!
Dr. Cox: I'll take the beer. You'll beat it

Dr. Cox: Would you stay? And watch the game with me? Maybe have a slice of pizza?
J.D.: Of course I will.
Dr. Cox: I can braid your hair. I know the couch isn't very deep, but we could move the back cushion and spoon. [Addressing his friends who have just walked in the door] Hey you guys, what do you say? Beer and chips in the back. [Turning back to J.D.] Just ignore them, and would you tell me the answer to this question: Do you want to be the big spoon or the little spoon?

Dr. Kelso: Oh, uh, Dr. Reid. I just wanted to say you're out of my dog house. That was a great catch on that patient with meningoccocus.
Elliot: Well, that actually wasn't me, sir. Carla noticed the rash on his legs.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's fascinating. You could have fallen back into my good graces, and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble! I'll tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write "Was it worth it?" on a big cake for you!

Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing; and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite.
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"...but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good

Dr. Cox: Do you know what you've just done? You just lost all lap-dog privileges.
J.D.: Excuse me?
Dr. Cox: No more walkies, no more treats, no more following me around the hospital.
J.D.: I'm not your lap-dog.
Dr. Cox: Hey you, back there, what do we do with lap-dogs who can't behave in the house?
Doug: Make them stay outside?
Dr. Cox: That's right. You now have five seconds to get out of this room, otherwise I'm gonna start whacking you on the nose with this!

Dr. Cox: How much does this guy smoke?
J.D.: I dunno.
Dr. Cox: You realize, of course, it's your attention to detail that impresses me most. How many packs a day, genius?
Will: Half a pack.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I'm sorry, I phrased the question wrong. How many packs a day... really.
Will: Eleven. Now you don't know where I'm coming from!
(Cox whistles threateningly)
Will: Two or three packs.
Dr. Cox: Well, let's hear it...
J.D.: Oh, I don't smoke, so...zero packs!
Carla: What tests have you ordered?
J.D.: Oh. I know, I was just totally kidding with you.
Will: He was...we're all in on it.

Elliot: Your dog is creepy.
J.D.: Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 2 Quotes

Turk [about Carla]: I'm not really interested in her.
Todd: Yeah? Then maybe the Todd'll show that little biscuit some love.
[Turk stars down Todd]
J.D.'s narration: Maybe he's a little interested.
Todd: Fine. Todd'll show himself some love

J.D.: So, yes. As of now, you have no signs of cancer.
Will: Wow! Who rules? Will rules.
J.D.: Will, it's important you realise this isn't great news.
Will: Are you sure? 'Cause that's how it first hit me