Dr. Kelso: Gosh, sport, I sure hope you're not using that phone to make a personal call.
Turk: No. Actually that was David Morrison's father. He's a patient of mine. Dave's a good kid.
Dr. Kelso: Well he sound's teriffic. You two becoming best pals?
Turk: Yeah.
Dr. Kelso: Well you know what we should do? The three of us should play a game of stick ball. Sure, all we need is a stick and a ball and a pocket full of dreams. Or we could take turns bowling your patient down the hallways of my hospital

Turk: Dude, the League of Women Voters called and they want to know where to send your membership info.
J.D.: You're using that "somebody called" joke a lot.
Turk: I know, I can't help it. I got a hernia patient to take care of.
J.D.: What's his name?
Turk: Well, his name is Hernia Patient, but we've gotten close so I like to call him "Hernia".
J.D.: He must feel so safe and taken care of

J.D.: I admitted this really neat old lady today.
Turk: "Neat?" Dude, the 1930s called and they want their lingo back

J.D.: You have had an amazing life.
Mrs. Tanner: Good, then we agree. Now, aren't there other patients you need to be seeing?
J.D.: Me? No, no, I've been off for two hours

Dr. Cox: Well, if she refuses dialysis, then there really is no ethical dilemma, is there?
J.D.: But what about our duty as doctors?
Dr. Cox: But what about our duty as doctors? Look. This is not about Mrs. Tanner's dialysis, this is about you. You're scared of death, and you can't be; you're in medicine for chrissakes. Sooner or later, you're going to realize that everything we do around here, everything is a stall. We're just trying to keep the game going, that's all. But, ultimately, it always ends up the same way

David: Hey, come on man, it's the fourth quarter, you got a minute?
Turk: Sure.
David: Cool.
Turk: David, right?
David: Yeah.
Turk: I'm Turk.
David: What's up...you want some IV?
Turk: No, I'm good

J.D.: I'm...I'm...I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should-we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell

Oh, see, this is embarrassing - you guys are wearing the same outfit. Don't sweat it, I'm not wearing pants


Elliot: I called down and requested a Spanish-speaking nurse. So...no English, huh? I'm a chunky monkey from funky town.
Carla: I'm gonna have a little trouble translating that

J.D.: Dr. Kelso...hi. I wanted to get your opinion about a patient. She's uh...a seventy-four-year-old renal failure, Mrs. Tanner.
Dr. Kelso: Oh, of course! One of our frequent fliers - she's a neat lady.
J.D.: That's what I said!
Dr. Kelso: Nobody likes a brown-nose, son

J.D.: Look, I don't know how it's been with your other doctors, but when you're under my care, you stay in the hospital until I say it's okay for you to leave.
Mrs. Tanner: We saved you a plate.
J.D.: I don't care about food right now!
J.D.'s narration: Oh my God, are those s'mores?

Mrs. Tanner: Just until Samantha blows out her candles. What are you gonna wish for, honey? Uhhhhm....a bike?
Samantha: Nope.
Mrs. Tanner: A doll house?
Samantha: Nope.
J.D.: How about the ability to make quick decisions?
Samantha: Umm...nope

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 4 Quotes

J.D.: You didn't tell them, did you.
Mrs. Tanner: It didn't come up. Look, they don't need that burden; besides, they'd just give me a bunch of reasons to change my mind.
J.D.: Speaking of which, I took the liberty of jotting down a few things I think everybody should do at least once in their life.
Mrs. Tanner: Oh, no.
J.D.: Okay. "Number One: Eat a sausage-and-pepper hoagie from Enrico's".
Mrs. Tanner: Well, of course I've done that.
J.D.: "Number Two: Go to Asia".
Mrs. Tanner: [Something in Japanese]
J.D.: I'm gonna take that as a yes, and I'll also check off "Learn a foreign language".

[During surgery]
Surgical Intern: We are so lost.
Turk: We are not lost.
Surgical Intern: Go left here.
Turk: It's right.
Surgical Intern: You passed his Cooper's ligament three times already. Just stop and ask for directions.
Turk: You wanna drive this thing? 'Cause I will pull, I will pull this thing over and let you drive this thing