Dr. Cox: Oh, I heard the sad sigh, I see your shoulders are slumped, and I'm aware that you have some whiny-ass problem that you want to talk to me about because you probably think it'd be cathartic to get it the hell off your chest but believe me it won't be. What you've got to do, for me, is the healthy thing. Keep all of your feelings bottled up inside where they so belong!
J.D.: My dad flaked on me again.
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry, um, you're not on drugs, are you?
J.D.: What? No!
Dr. Cox: Are you in jail? Have you been beaten? Are you malnourished?
J.D.: I skipped lunch but I've been snacking all day.
Dr. Cox: You are, in fact, a perfectly healthy twenty-six-year-old doctor who keeps crying about how horrible his father was

J.D.'s Narration: My mom and dad got divorced when I was seven. I know that's not so unusual but even though everyone's relationship with their father seems different, mine always seemed very different.
Mr. Dorian: God, I'd like to take a run at her. Would you take a look at her rack?
J.D.: Dad, please!
Mr. Dorian: I'm sorry, Johnny. I'm just a man. And you know what they say about men.
Turk: They love the boobies.
Mr. Dorian: That is correct, Christopher

Carla: Why didn't you introduce me to your mother this morning?
Turk: Because she just came by to say hey before she checked into her hotel. Besides, she's coming back later on to look around.
Carla: Okay. I was worried that you thought she might not like me.
Turk: She's not going to like you. Baby, look, my mother's never actually called any girl I've been with by her actual name. Hell, she called my college girlfriend "The Big Easy".
Carla: Well, was she fat and slutty?
Turk: She had beautiful skin

Elliot: So, what do you guys think?
Mrs. Reid: Well, I think it's time to get back to the suite and get me into a bath. This place makes me feel dirty

Elliot: Dr. Kelso, Dr. Kelso! Uh, these are my parents.
Dr. Kelso: Ah, well, it's always a pleasure to meet the trees from which our little acorns fall. Bob Kelso.
Dr. Reid: Simon Reid. I'm Chief of Medicine at St. Augustine's. It's a private hospital in Greenwhich.
Mrs. Reid: I know what you're thinking. You didn't ask. Nobody ever does

Turk: All right, this is it. You just brace yourself and let me handle this all nice and smooth like. All right? Hey, Mom! Guess what?
Carla: Hi, Mrs. Turk. I'm gonna cut right to the chase. I'm Carla, and I apologize if your son hasn't told you about me yet. Honestly, I don't know how you put up with him as long as you did. Still, you should know he loves me very much, I feel the same way, and we're really, really good together.
Mrs. Turk: Are you two sharing a bed?
Turk: Noooo!
Carla: Yes, ma'am, we are, but if you're a good judge of character, I think you can tell, I'm not messing around.
Mrs. Turk: Carla. That's a nice name.
Carla: Thank you.
Turk: Listen, it is, Mother-
Mrs. Turk: Oh, please! Not telling me about her. Dear, do me a favor. Don't give him any for a month or so.
Carla: Done!
Turk: No, it can't go down like that! It just can't go down like that!

Ms. Turk: John Dorian, get over here.
J.D.: Well, uhh, umm...
Ms. Turk: After all these years, are you still afraid of me?
J.D.: Well, remember on Thanksgiving when I said your turkey was dry and you picked me up and shook me?
Ms. Turk: Well, then, don't say that.
Carla: Silly Bambi

Dr. Kelso: Your dad must have been very impressed.
Elliot: I think so. I could tell that he really respected you, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, that's very nice, but lucky for me, my self-esteem isn't tied up in that kind of poppycock. You see, I didn't become a doctor to impress my daddy, or anyone else. I did it for me. I've seen lots of doctors who got into this for the wrong reasons. You know what happens to them?
Elliot: No...
Dr. Kelso: They quit and get their real estate license. You look upset, sweetheart. You shouldn't be. I think you'd look super in a gold blazer

Mr. Dorian: Work is great, Johnny. I like to believe that I'm selling dreams.
J.D.: But Dad, you sell office supplies.
Mr. Dorian: Yeah, I prefer to call them dreams

Mrs. Reid: Honey, you keep eating that, there won't be anything left for a man to put a ring on.
Elliot: Mom, I started therapy.
Mrs. Reid: Did you know that Amy Swanson married Drew Gertson? Drew is such a nice boy.
Elliot: Drew used to hold people down and spit into their mouths.
Mrs. Reid: He doesn't do that anymore

Elliot: Mom, when I was a little girl, did I used to want to be a doctor? Maybe I used a toy stethoscope on one of my dolls?
Mrs. Reid: Oh, honey. You'd have to ask the nanny.
Elliot: Have you ever reached a point in your life when you just really wished you knew how you got there?
Mrs. Reid: Are you trying to tell me you're a lesbian?

Turk: So I told my mom how much you liked that Cuban restaurant downtown and she loves Cuban food, so...
Carla: I hate that restaurant!
Turk: Wow. So I must have really misunderstood when you said that you loved that place and you wanted to be buried in a vat of their plantains so you could eat you way out.
Carla: See? That's our problem. You don't get me!
Turk: No argument there!

Scrubs Season 1 Episode 19 Quotes

Turk: All right, Elliot, at the presentation I was wondering, can I do the ending? Because I really love the ending of our paper.
Elliot: Do you think I'm cut out to be a doctor?
Turk: Okay, fine, you can do the ending. I just want to say, "Thanks, folks! We've been great!"
Elliot: I'm serious. Do you think this is what I really want to do?
Turk: Elliot, I don't know.
Elliot: You can tell me. I can take it.
Turk: No, Elliot, I'm saying I don't know because I really don't know. What the hell is going on here? Why have all women gone crazy?

Carla: I just freaked out because your mom and I have so much in common.
Turk: So?
Carla: I don't know, I got this crazy idea that you only fell for me because I'm just like your mom.
Turk: Aw, baby... That's exactly why I fell for you.
Carla: Okay, I'll probably just have a friend pick up my stuff...
Turk: No, wait, sit down. What's wrong with wanting to be with someone because they're smart and independent and always looking out for you? Okay?
Carla: Yeah.
Turk: Okay.
Carla: But if we ever get married, we're gonna have to talk about this in therapy