Scrubs Season 3 Episode 1: "My Own American Girl" Quotes
Dr. Kelso: Perry, great news: I managed to swing it so that you get to go over to the state pen. today and do the annual inmates' physicals!
Dr. Cox: Well, hell's bells, Bobbo, if you want to fire me, just do it!
Dr. Kelso: I would, but even though this room was quite crowded when you sucker-punched me, apparently nobody saw it happen.
Ted snickers under his breath and Kelso glares at him.
Ted: Uh, saw what happen, sir?
Carla: Mrs. Farr is still having acute abdominal pain.
Mrs. Farr: So, what's wrong with me, doctor?
J.D.'s Narration: Oh, good Lord, I have no idea. Okay, don't panic, just do what all doctors do in this situation and fake a page.
J.D.: Uh-oh. Got a Code 3 down the hall.
Mrs. Farr: What's that?
J.D.: Uhhh, Code 3? Not as bad as a Code 4, but a hell of a lot worse than a Code 2!
Dr. Cox: Ohh... Come on, Bob, I can't even remember the last time I saw my son, and you-you-you're a father, for God's sake; you understand, don't you?
Dr. Kelso: My son was recently kicked out of his Hari Krishna sect for being too much of a hippie, and is currently residing in the Portland subway system. The point, Perry, is that the only thing I care less about than my son... is your son. Have fun at the Big House.
J.D.: So, Dr. Cox, can you, uh, look at her chart?
Dr. Cox: Newbie, did you not see what just happened? Kelso is so far up my ass that I can taste Brylcreem in the back of my throat.
Carla: Well, he didn't know I was engaged, so he asked me out to a movie tonight.
Turk: Well, if he's paying, give a brother some Snow Caps!
Carla: Turk, why don't you ever get jealous?
Turk: Woman, look at me! How can someone with all of this here be jealous of any of that out there!
J.D.: Ahh, I cannot figure out what's wrong with Mrs. Farr. I gotta go ask Cox.
Turk: Why won't you ask me?
J.D.: You're a surgeon - you just cut people up, you don't actually know anything.
Turk: Oh, yeah.
Elliot: You know what I realized when I was dragging my car door around? I cannot remember the last good thing that happened to me at this place. I mean, what is it about me that makes everybody walk all over me?
Carla: No self-confidence.
Turk: You could be a baby sometimes.
J.D.: Your voice gets really high when you're upset.
Elliot: Rhetorical question, okay?
Carla: Hey. You guys know that unbelievably handsome new anesthesiologist?
J.D.'s Narration: Elliot's unlucky streak continued with the head of the radiology department.
Elliot: Dr. Moyer. Uh, you told me my patient had colitis, and it turns out it was just traveler's diarrhea?
Dr. Moyer: So? Sounds like good news.
Elliot: Yeah... He took it as bad news, maybe 'cause of the unnecessary colonoscope I shoved three feet up his pooper?
Dr. Moyer: What do you want me to do?
Elliot: Uh, apologize to my patient and tell him it was your mistake, no big deal?
Dr. Moyer: Think I'm gonna pass on that one. See, I got you pegged as one of those spineless types that's not gonna cause me any trouble no matter what I do. So, thanks for stopping by, and don't forget your car door.
Elliot: I just didn't want it to get stolen, okay?
Turk: She wanted to come back and help. And I wasn't gonna let my baby be here all alone with all sorts of guys eyeballing her privates and whatnot.
Carla: If you can't muster up some sincere jealousy, don't even bother.
Sean: I thought you hated this place 'cause of that time you--you got sick here?
Elliot: You remember that?
Sean: Y-you got sick on my face...
Elliot: Oh, no, that wasn't the smoothies - you just said you thought you were falling in love with me, and sometimes when I get really uncomfortable I hurl.
Sean: I know, I get-I get a little, uh... gassy.
Elliot: Oh, my God! Isn't she beautiful! I mean, this car has totally maxed out my credit, but my self-esteem's been so low lately that I think it's worth it. Don't you?
Delivery Guy: I just deliver the cars.