J.D.'s Narration: Look at him, pretending like yesterday never happened. Well, if he thinks I'm gonna forgive him without so much as a-
Dr. Cox: Anyway newbie, the reason I was all bent outta shape yesterday...
J.D.: I accept.
Dr. Cox: Don't interrupt me. Come here. Pull that curtain. Mrs. Blitt over there, needs the TIPS procedure, no insurance. Yeah, well she can now look forward to a lifetime of encephalopathy and jaundice thanks to bottom-line Bob.
J.D.: Is it really that bad?
Dr. Cox: I hate Robert Kelso. I hate his family, I hate his friends, I hate the guy that cleans his vaguely racist little lawn jockey. Infact I hate anybody who even associates with him, is that clear?

That TIPS proceedure was for Mrs. Blitt down in 103. You see, she doesn't have insurance, Mr. Martinez on the other hand has great insurance. Should I talk slower or go get a nurse who speaks fluent moron?

Dr. Cox

Is that how you see this relationship? As some mad dash to the finish line? Because I'll take you into that bedroom right now and and I promise you, you will be walking sideways for the rest of your life because I'll have used all your up and down!


J.D.: My man Turk, is getting it daily and nightly and ever so rightly! Ah! What up, dogg!
J.D.'s narration: Once every 4.2 seconds a man says something stupid that a woman hears and punishes him for... luckily, this wasn't one of those times.
Carla: What did you just say?
J.D.: "What up...dogg?"

Oh, that's a great anecdote. You should write that down in your journal, then your kids can read about it when you're dead

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: Thought you hated Kelso.
Dr. Cox: Oh, I do. And watching his face as I kick his worthless butt up and down this golf course every week is basically...well, it's the most fun I can have without being forced to cuddle afterwards.

Elliot: At what point did I become a crazy person?
J.D.: Oh, come on. Yes, exposing yourself to a dead guy might have been a tad unorthodox; and yes, it might be a little hard to live down....
Elliot: I'm waiting for the "but."
J.D.: So is everyone else in the hospital

Carla: Why would you think that Turk and I slept together? Because I'm a nurse? Because I'm Latina?
J.D.: No, just 'cause you guys have been dating...for a while. Do Latina women put out more? Because that's not something I've-I've ever heard... Turk told me.
Turk: No! I didn't! No, I swear. Look, he-he assumed.
Carla: Uh-huh. And did you correct him?
Turk: Well, you know, I've been really busy at the hospital lately...

I don't know if they taught you this in the land of fairies and puppy-dog tails, where you obviously, if not grew up, then at least spent most of your summers, but you're in the real world now. Nnnnn-kay?

Dr. Cox

Dr. Kelso: Hey, sport. Or should I say, howdy, Mr. Pouty.
J.D.: Sorry, sir, it's been a rough day.
Dr. Kelso: So I hear. Well, anyway, I'm very proud of you, Dr... uhmmmmmm...
J.D.'s Narration: Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, no, this-this is my roommate's badge, sir; we must have switched this morning

Turk: You wanna show a woman you know her, you gotta buy her a little somethin'-somethin'. I'm gonna buy her flowers.
Todd: Yeah!
Elliot: Please, it's been done to death.
Turk: How 'bout chocolates?
Elliot: Mmm! With rich, cliché centers?

Look, all I'm saying is, there's more to healing than what's in the books. I talk to my patients, I-I sing to them... ask them what their hobbies are and tell them ghost stories about an old sea captain


Scrubs Season 1 Episode 5 Quotes

J.D.: I can't decide if I should help Cox or not. It's driving me crazy.
Turk: Dude, at least you didn't give your girlfriend a gift that used to be inside of someone.
J.D.: That's true

Dr. Kelso: Well, sport, it looks like a permanent spot just opened up on the golf course. How does joining the Chief of Medicine for a weekly round sound?
J.D.: Actually, sir, I'm not really that in to golf.
Dr. Kelso: Well, I guess that's your choice, isn't it... Dr. Dorian.
J.D.'s Narration: I think I liked it better when he didn't know my name