Jordan: Look, I don't know where your mother was when she should have been telling you all these things, but you cannot have sex with someone you care about! Sex is for making babies and revenge.
Elliot: Well, you're so full of it.
Jordan: Listen, Stick, if you wanna wipe your nose and pretend that was a sneeze, I will play along. But if you have something to say, say it.
Elliot: Everybody knows you're still sleeping with Dr. Cox; and it can't be about making babies 'cause you'd probably just end up eating them, anyway. And as for revenge, I'm just not sure that driving to his apartment and pleasuring him while he watches sports on TV is hurting him as much as you might think. So I have to figure that you still care about him, whether you want to admit it or not. And if you lay one finger on me, I'm blowing my rape whistle

Dr. Cox: But you hate me?!
Dr. Kelso: Like nuts in brownies, Captain

Sport, if crying worked on me my wife would have her own car by now

Dr. Kelso

J.D.: You know, Dr. Cox, I wanna thank you for this whole year -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no, no, no... no.
J.D.: And I just wanna know... if I can buy you dinner.
Dr. Cox: That'd be terrific.
J.D.: Great! I'm off in, like, a half hour -
Dr. Cox: Oh, no. Here, I was led to believe that you were doing a gift certificate kind of thing. But, to sit and eat... with you, that's-that's just... that's crazy talk! I have half a mind to issue you a drug test. I mean, come on, what'd I sign up for -
J.D.: Would have been nice

Janitor: Hey, congratulations on becoming a resident. Glad I could help.
J.D.: Help!?! You were awful to me! You-you-you-you-Awful!
Janitor: Anyway: Go get 'em, Tiger. The world is your oyster, my frie

Oh come on Perry. No soft spot for the one woman who slept with you sober?


J.D.: So, Mr. Bober, here, has been complaining of abdominal pain and nausea; looks like colicistitis.
Dr. Cox: Oh, come on - what the hell, Newbie. This gentleman is suffering from an inflamed gallbladder, and you actually have him eating a grilled-cheese sandwich. Hhhere's an idea: why don't we just have him wash the whole thing down with a big ol' mug of vodka

J.D.: I'll see what I can do. Hey, how come you haven't mentioned it's my last day as an intern?
Dr. Cox: Haven't I?
J.D.: Nuh-uh.
Dr. Cox: Come here!
J.D.: Okay.
Dr. Cox: Despite the fact that when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be a resident, you'll still be the same excitable little girl that you are right now; the only difference will be that some sorry new intern will probably mistake you for somebody who actually knows somethi

Jordan: Now, if you could just sign this insurance physical, I'll go back to trying to forget that horrible, horrible night.
Dr. Cox: For me to sign this, I would actually have to give you a physical. And when I say "I," I, of course, mean absolutely anybody but me. Barbie! Give my ex-wife, here, a physical. And don't be afraid of that third eye on her chest. Just remember, it's just as scared of you as you are of it.
Elliot: Let's get physical?
Jordan: Ugh

Carla: We were talking about our relationship, and how great everything is going. And all I said was, "It's weird to think I'll never date again."
Turk: Ah, that's close, honey, but not quite what you said. See, what you said was, "It's weird to think I'll never get to date again." You see that? "... Get to date again" - like she's missing out. How messed up is that?
Carla: I did not say "get"! You're being ridiculous. What do you think, J.D.?
J.D.'s Narration: Careful, tiger. Careful.
J.D.: I wish people would call me "tiger."
Carla: What?
J.D.: I agree with Laverne!
Laverne: Huh?

Carla: I'll get a paper towel.
J.D.: Don't worry about it; somebody else'll get it.
Janitor: Yeah. Who can we get? I'm not shocked, that's how you live your life, isn't it? Got a problem? Hey, just pass it on down the line

Elliot: So, I let myself get taken advantage of, sometimes; you know. I mean, big deal - how do you make friends?
Jordan: Look, I've seen your type before. You're that girl that convinced herself she wanted to lose her virginity at a frat party while another guy was asleep in the room.
Elliot: Chaz really cared for me.
Jordan: Ah, I know; and I'm sure you have a cool "Jungle Party" t-shirt to prove it. Now, can we please finish this physical? And, I can't pee right now, so you'll have to go for me

Scrubs Season 1 Quotes

Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me? For God's sake, the only reason I carry this chart around is so I can pretend to remember your damn names!

Dr. Kelso

If you're talking about getting the Bursky autopsy, I already called the family for you. And they said fine, and to thank you, and I'm sorry... They didn't say that last part, I did.