Elliot: Sex is disgusting!
Carla: I know, sweetie.

Lookit, I know what you're doing in there. You think that if you act like Dr. Sad Sack that the patient's gonna opt out of surgery and I'll have to spend yet another week with a man who has such an unnatural attachment to his gallbladder that, left to his own devices, he would rent a motel room and have sex with it. Now come on, I need you to sling that "I'm gonna get freaky-deeky with my chizzle and-and slizzle up the dizzle for my...bee-aye...yitch" stuff that, you know, you do so well.

Dr. Cox

J.D.: Come on, Mr. Gilmore.
Turk: Come on, Colonel Mustard!... HA! Pay up.
Mr. Gilmore: Can I get some Jell-O, please?
J.D.: Jell-O is for winners.
Mr. Gilmore: What?
J.D.: I'm just kidding. We'll have some sent right to your room, big guy.

Dr. Cox: Hey now, great work back there, Gandhi. What a story, huh? Blood, bravery, illegal immigrants - it had it all. Hell, when you tell Carla about this, the next time you two have sex, there's a slight chance that she actually just might think about you.
Turk: Heh! Perry, Perry, Perry. You know what the difference between us is? Well, besides the fact that I can carry a conversation without checking my own reflection every five seconds?
Dr. Cox: I'm sorry. I-I get lost in my eyes.

Elliot: Oh God.
Jake: What is it?
Elliot: I just locked the door when a black guy walked by. Now he's gonna think that I think he's dangerous 'cause he's black; and not just black, but with an actual 'fro and everything - which, trust me, I don't find scary at all. Not like the zigzags and the cornrows and stuff. My life's ruined!

Dr. Kelso: Yeah, I'm sorry, son, I'd love to help you out, but I could give a horse's patootie about your floors.
Janitor: My floors are my children! I'VE GIVEN THEM NAMES!

Jake: Elliot, please, look, everybody has their stuff. 'Kay, like me. I'm an emotional person, but I've always had trouble expressing it. Well, here, tell me... tell me you like my shirt.
Elliot: I like your shirt.
Jake: Cool. Okay, now tell me, uh, tell me my childhood dog Buster was never put down and we're gonna be reunited this weekend. You can paraphrase.
Elliot: Uh, Buster's coming home.
Jake: Cool... See, there's no difference, and Buster meant the world to me.

No one wants to live out their last years in a hospital, but people do. There's really not much we can do for them except try to protect their dignity. And, of course, bet on them.

J.D.'s Narration

I am going to yank that gallbladder out of you so fast that your spleen is gonna say to your kidney, "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO FRANK!?!" That's right, your kidney named your gallbladder Frank.

Turk

Turk: Anyway, I'm not gonna tell anyone about this because, unlike you-unlike you, I got in medicine to help people, not for my own personal glory.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, now that's just a load of crap.

Elliot: Do you guys have any other ideas?
J.D.: You know what, I really don't have time to be dealing with your little sex pickle.
Dr. Kelso: Really? She spent two years dealing with yours.

Dr. Kelso: That's not yours! That's my car thing! You just painted it!
Janitor: I did not!
Dr. Kelso: You've got green paint on your face!
Janitor: I do n- Well, that's not paint, that's...pudding.

Scrubs Season 4 Quotes

J.D.: Should we get out of here?
Molly: D'you think you can handle it?
J.D.: No. But you won't know until after.

(Talking to a girl while she's drunk) So Carol, do you like jazz? Yeah? How much?

Elliot