Do you know how to make your eyes kind?

Mr. Milchick

I’m to watch her for signs of sadness and verbally encourage her to forego further suicide attempts. Upon request, I can also perform a hug.

Ms. Casey

I know you don’t want to be here, but I’m glad you are.

Mark

I like to imagine my Outie’s love made with a MILF or two, which is obviously badass, but I do pity the husbands.

Dylan

And I shall whisper to ye dutiful through the ages. Your noblest thoughts and epiphanies shall be my voice. You are my mouth, and through ye, I will whisper on when I am ten centuries demised.

Burt (quoting the Lumon handbook)

If you want a hug, go to hell and find your mother.

Ms. Cobel

I could not, with a razor to my throat, be less interested in being your family.

Helly

Rise up from your deathbed and sally forth, more perfect for the struggle.

Irving (quoting Kier Eagan)

At work, you’d come in sometimes with red eyes. We had a joke that you had an elevator allergy.

Petey

I walked into the cave of my own mind, and there I tamed them. Should you tame the tempers as I did mine, then the world shall become but your appendage. It is this great and consecrated power that I hope to pass on to all of you, my children.

Kier Eagan

Mark: Open or closed?
Ms. Cobel: Both.

It’s like having two different lives suddenly stitched together, but the relativity’s fucked.

Petey

Severance Quotes

Hi, kids. What's for dinner?

Irving

So that's unknown, unknown, Delaware, unknown, unknown.

Mark