Santiani speak, Diamond listen.

Captain Santiani

[talking with Laura] No car owner is messier than you.

Jake

It looks like road rage gone extreme.

Jake

You were my family and I betrayed you, and that's the part I will never be able to live with. My choices cost me you.

Captain Hauser

Meredith: If we made a run for it, where would we go?
Billy: Someplace without cold, hockey or Justin Bieber. So definitely not Canada.

Hauser escaped to redeem himself?

Jake

[discussing Laura's food choices] Still dining on crap? I'm gonna die in prison and I watch what I eat.

Captain Hauser

Why am I the only one who doesn't deserve to be forgiven?

Jake

I'm pretty sure the boys know who wears the pants in the family.

Did I just get cramps, too?

Jake

Max: You will never in a zillion years guess who's on my phone.
Laura: Captain Hauser.
Max: Good guess.

Jake: Question, how is it that second graders have ten pages of math homework a night?
Laura: They have ten pages a week, I just make them do all ten on your night.

The Mysteries of Laura Season 2 Quotes

Jake: Is that a hickey on your neck?
Laura: You know what? Just don't look at my neck, look at your own neck.

Jake: [after getting out of the car] The DMV does offer a refresher course, free of charge.
Laura: Six years of partnering with Billy and he never once criticized my driving.
Jake: Not to your face.
Laura: Excuse me! I just spent the last five months driving your ass to physical therapy, cooking your ass nightly meals, washing your dirty ass clothes, cleaning your dirty ass bachelor pad and raising your smart ass sons. Have a little respect.
Jake: I have a lot of respect.
Laura: Damn right.