Lila: I just saved your life, you kinder-shit. If I hadn’t stepped in, all that would be left of you is a blazer and some bloody socks.
Five: And that’s the problem. You’re too good. You ask too many questions. You know too much. And you fight like you know what you're doing.

You know what? I'm used to dealing with liars, Lila, but I like it better when I know what they're lying about.

Diego

Ben: Curious. How many more rock bottoms are you gonna have to hit before you start taking care of yourself?
Klaus: I’m thinking of a number between 11 and 25.

Allison: What happened?
Klaus: Oh where to begin? My claustrophobic cult tracked me down, I fell off the wagon, I professed my love for this young gay man who doesn’t know he’s gay yet in a 1963 diner in front of his blatantly closeted uncle.

Talking makes things real. And real things end. This feels sweeter than that.

Sissy

Even if you knew everything there is to know about right now. You could never predict what will happen next. We don’t live in a universe of rules, we live in a universe of chances.

Reginald

Luther: You know time travel is possible.
Reginald: Time travel isn’t the problem. I have a deep dislike of children. I do not have them, nor do I intend to have them, but if for some reason I did, I would expect more from them than a scruffy face, poor hygiene, and your grotesque, simian proportions.

Diego: That's pathetic.
Luther: Yeah, well. At least he didn't shank my ass.
Diego: No, bro. He shanked your heart.

Carl: The hell’s going on with you?
Sissy: I’m just sick and tired of you not listening
Carl: Well, I’m sick and tired of having to fight for your goddamn attention. Are you my wife or not?

If I thought you needed to know the truth, I would have told you the truth, but you didn’t and so I didn’t, and everything worked out just fine.

Handler

Luther: How are you feeling?
Vanya: Pretty shitty, to be honest.
Diego: Where would you say you are on a scale from 1 to ending all life on this planet.
Luther: Diego, put the knife away, you idiot. She’s fine.
Diego: The last time I saw this one, she had me suspended mid-air, sucking the life out of me with energy tentacles.
Elliott: I would love to see an energy tentacle.

Oh, wow. I know this is impossible, but did we all get sexier?

Klaus

The Umbrella Academy Season 2 Episode 5 Quotes

Face it. The healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin.

Klaus

Diego: That's pathetic.
Luther: Yeah, well. At least he didn't shank my ass.
Diego: No, bro. He shanked your heart.