Hey, is that 10 gallons of water or are you just happy to see me?


Marshall: Courtney, how do I put this? I don't wanna touch your breasts, and I don't wanna put my boner in...
Courtney: I know!

Max: The therapist she located is her!
Shoshannah: It's confused.
Max: Fuckin A. And it sucks.

I want my wedding pictures with Nick, but I want my wedding night with Neal.


(to Marshall) I saw your girlfriend earlier, did you kick her like a meth habit?


I don't know your wife, I had a thing for Buck.


(Referring to Kate) I thought you said your mom was psycho.


As a family we are completely fu**ed.


Kate: Why does Mrs. Butterworth need to be black? And Aunt Jemima too. That's some f***ed up racial pancake s**t.
Marshall: Mrs. Butterworth isn't black; she's just filled with syrup. She's clear.
Kate: Hmm...she's a clearcasian.

Kate: Do you even know what that means?
Marshall: No not really.

Police Officer: Is this your wife sir?
Max: Who knows?

But my fiancé wasn't even in town then.