Two and a Half Men Quotes
Alan: Seriously, if you don't believe me, throw me a couple of mil, and get ready for a tongue bath
Walden: I doubt that will be necessary.
Alan: I am not just talking metaphorically; I will lick you from head to toe.
Alan: What exactly did Zoey say?
Walden: It is exactly what she did not say; she did not say I love you.
Alan: Oh please, if I insisted on women saying I love you, I would not have had a girlfriend, a wife or even a mother.
Jake: How old are you?
Jennifer: 24, and you?
Jake: Twenty-four and a half.
Jake: I need 75 bucks for the new Call of Duty.
Alan: 75 bucks for a video game?
Jake: Yes, see it as investment.
Alan: An investment?
Jake: Yes, see it this way, if I enter the army after school, I will already know how to kill terrorists.
Walden: I will buy you whatever you need in London.
Alan: If Zoey won't say it, I will. I love you Walden Schmidt.
Zoey: Interesting, I can imagine you as a drunken Sodomite, never imagining you for liking poetry.
Lyndsey: Oh no, I really do, here is a poem you might appreciate:
Roses are red, Violets are blue,
I am nice person
And you can bite my pale, unrefined ass.
Zoey: A lady does not bite; she will however make you wear that ass as a bonnet.
Lyndsey: I am not a fan of fat people singing in a foreign language for two and a half hours.
Zoey: Well, Opera is not for everyone, to appreciate it requires a refined taste and certain amount of education.
Zoey: I slept like a baby.
Lyndsey: Hope you did not wet the bed.
That is one talented lady; and by talented... I mean annoying; and by lady, I mean bitch.
Alan
Harvard; the Santa Monica Community College of the East.
Alan
A guy in a leotard and a skirt realized he chopped off his own brother's head off. That is heartbreaking.
Walden
There's not enough cranberry juice in the world to put out the fire between my legs.
Lyndsey
