Two and a Half Men Quotes
Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.
Alan
Now she won't return my calls, emails or texts. It is like she is ignoring across the whole digital spectrum. It is like she is Amish.
Walden
Alan: Can I come live with you?
Evelyn: No
Alan: Oh, come one, Mom, I am going to be homeless, once he marries her; I am going to be living on the street.
Evelyn: Try to pick a street in Beverly Hills, so I visit you
Alan: Wow, seems like just yesterday, he was an adorable, chubby-cheeked little boy catching a Frisbee on the beach in Santa Monica.
Berta: Now, he is a fuzz-face, buck private catching the clap from a whore in Tijuana.
I love my son, and more importantly, I love my country, which is why I don't think my son should have access to flying bombs, or really any kind of weapon.
Alan
Don't worry about me, worry about our nation's enemies.
Jake
Alan: This is serious; you will never amount to anything, if you sleep all day.
Walden: Morning.
Jake: I am sorry; I was just distracted by the naked billionaire that just woke up.
Alan: Is this session confidential?
Cardiologist: Think of me as a priest, except when I touch your nuts, it's strictly business.
Alan: Hello, Doctor.
Cardiologist: Well, I have got some good news .
Alan: Well, let me have it.
Cardiologist: I am banging my receptionist.
I try not to insult people who can come back and haunt me.
Berta
Charlie's Ghost: I had to come back from hell to do it, but I finally got you out of my freaking house.
Alan: So you were just screwing with me?
Charlie's Ghost: Yep.
Alan: Why?
CG: I am in hell, Alan, that is kind of what we do.
Jake: Honest to God, someone put that pot in my locker.
Walden: Why would someone do that?
Jake: That my friend, is the million dollar question.
